I’ve been pretty tensed the last 2 weeks due to the thesis in media technology. Not without a reason too. I did not know who would be rating my work but deep down I felt that the person that has always given me a hard time at school would do it and even give me extra baggage to carry as always. What makes it especially hard is that he is Polish and I am Polish too. Out of some reason this teacher is always finding reasons to make me work hard for my degree. I am done with two parts of the scientific courses in Media technology but only because the 2nd time a different teacher was giving me a grade and was focused on helping me clear the subject instead of making it into an competition. But I feel like this teacher is having some kind of grudge against me or sees me as a competitor.
My thesis has been reviewed once by another teacher and she did not pickpoint the issues with my research questions or the way I use my references. The only thing she pickpoint on when it comes to my method chapter is that I should try to explain more with my own words how I did things and only use scientifical articles as a reference. But this teacher wants me to explain every details that probably a child would understand even at this moment without me explaining it. The things which the teacher pickpointed cannot be solved in one week and he knows it. He could give me simply a fail mark but no, he prefers to challenge me and then stamp on me. It must be fun to make it more difficult for a woman with two children. But okay. Challenge is taken and I feel more than ever that I need to work my ass off and one day take his position so that there won’t be any uneccesary actions towards students and everything will be fair and square.
My uncle hurt me with his words few days ago but also made me inspired to look into myself one more time and think about the life and the love part of his statement. I came to a realization that sometimes people speak bullshit when they are angy or disappointed. Because to me without love there is no life and there is no love without a life to it.
Just think how humans are born. It’s not like everyone is giving birth to children after a one night stand. There are couples in love that have been dating for ages before letting themselves settle down for good.
If we discuss “life” in the context of economy or something like “making a living” I don’t think that’s life, its just part of it. You love your family and that is why you are doing the hard work to feed them. Else you can be like me, more into spirituality than materiality. Love is flowing directly from the core of the heart. When you walk outside in the morning the taste of air becomes intense, the sunrise is more beautiful than the day before and even though you have a pile of problems you don’t let them to completely take over your life.
Many people though just like my uncle think that its living in an unrealistic world. That makes me wonder if he got a strong aspect of Saturn anywhere in his horoscope 🤔. He is talking like these hardcore Capricorns. But all sarcasm and jokes aside. I am a Pisces and yes I am in love. But me living my life loving is just a part of life as much as my uncle living his to make a living.
Let’s change the perspective a little bit. We all eat food. We do that to boost our bodies so that we can keep up with our duties, work or simply to just brush our teeth. For me love is a boost like this. Because my overall health is dependant on the state of my mind. That’s why when I am stressed I tend to run to bathroom all the time or when I was younger I ate although I wasn’t hungry. I was feeling weak and did not feel like doing anything. Just hoped I could blast from overeating.
Not many people know but I actually got depressed every time I gave birth to my kids. Because although I gave them a home, food, clothing and toys I know what they need is their mom and dad. My kids since few weeks call me Pama. I think its because I’ve been both parents to them. Their subconsciousness is leaking . So when people say that I am living for love and don’t think about life, I get sad. Really sad. Because what kind of life is it when you mentally work very hard to support your children (its not easy earned money believe me) just to live in constant stress. I don’t think anyone that criticized me thought what kind of pressure it is to read, write, meet deadlines when you have two kids at home that need to get their food, change of diaper, shower, time to play with you. And when they get sick you can say bye bye to other duties because kids get extra sensitive and clingy. That’s why. Without a male at home that would support me mentally I have to live for love and dreams.I need my boost to keep going. To think that there maybe be someone better and that I am worth it why does it seem so wrong to people?!
I am not saying responsibilities are “yucky”. I have responsibilities. And I want a good future for my kids too but why am I being judged just because I did not break my back yet while doing it ? That’s why I said to my mother few weeks ago. Our family need a therapist. Im glad to go with everyone with the hope they learn to channel their hate and disappointment in other directions. To mentally attack someone just because you are hurting is not fine. I often slap myself for this too. Not trying to make a saint of myself here but you should show you are sorry. You should make an effort to change some habits.
Don’t ponder over what if. Death is our last destination anyway.
I won’t judge you for your choice of making your life about earning and spending your money on living. I don’t care even if you get yourself a tattoo on the front of your head. Because I have my own bubble, my own problems. Being a mother is a 24/7 job. Even when I am not present physically I am mentally. Because I was that kid that longed for love. I know how it feels to be amongst strangers because your parents are away for months, years. Don’t blame me for wanting to be loved and to love. It keeps me moving forward.