Are all people that we call friends our friends?

Good evening to you my dear readers from around the world!

This day could not be more sad than this but I know that by tommorow everything will be fine. Todays topic is on friendships. Why? Well that’s because I don’t feel that I have luck with friends. I am good at finding people that always try to sniff around, mess with me and leave me completely disturbed. I think the planet in Jhyestha nakshatra of my husband is to blame this time though. People feel jealous and go behind my back. If you want me to be more clear, fine I will be.

Since some time I made friends with a girl that is having a high Scorpio energy. For a long time she couldn’t find a guy that she would feel a connection with. I made friends with many guys online but as I wasn’t ready for anything and some of them reminded me of someone I really did want to forget I thanked them for their time. One of the guys I thought would be a good match for that friend of mine and so I’ve introduced them to each other and after a few dates they became a couple. And nothing is wrong there, I was happy that finally I could help someone. That’s where the disappointing time starts that makes me feel like she started to feel that her boyfriend is not enough for her. There is not a single conversation where she would not ask about my husband, sometimes even she skips to say “hallo” and ask straight about my relationship. A couple of weeks ago I’ve changed my status on Facebook from married to nothing but it seems like for other people it was visible as single.

To be honest it does not matter what stands in my relationship status, the question asked was wrong again. The girl took her time explaining herself but what she does not understand is that from my point of view a facebook friend should not ask intimate and private questions. She makes me feel on and on like she is haunting in her thoughts for my husband and she feels jealous that I have him instead of her. And don’t take me wrong. I am not acting on emotions here.It’s my intuition. Even my husband observed a suspicious behaviour of hers. It’s like she tries to compete against me. In the start I thought it was a coincidence, I try to explain it with her narcissistic tendencies that she herself said that she had but now I’ve got enough.

If you think that I am not fair and I act rashly then fine but if someone only creates a relationship with me based on social media and never wants to give that extra from their side, that is not a real friendship. She invited me to a beach in Nacka but as I could not go because my kids are out of controll at times I’ve asked her to come to Nynäshamn which is not that far for someone that you really consider a friend but she declined. The only time she pops up is when something is happening between me and Ahad. Then she asks me questions which are really uncomfortable.

Today I’ve reached the limit. I thanked her for the memories and blocked her everywhere. Because I don’t want people to sniff around my relationship. My relationship may be visible in the media, our youtube channel but whatever we don’t show online we want to save for ourselves. It’s our private matter how things go between us and we do not need a third party. Even in friendships there are boundaries which you should not cross.

Why I feel so worried about it? Well. In high school there was a boy that I really really liked. I’ve introduced him and one of my friends. My friend was supposed to get some information about what the guy thinks about me. I wasn’t very brave at that time and I did not know a shit about dating or romance. Few weeks after my birthday they became a couple behind my back. She only has told me once they were together. I flipped. I even felt like jumping in front of a train that time. She hurt my self-esteem and I had a very difficult time making friends with girls since then. Forget trust. I was to afraid to do that for over a decade. Too be honest I felt that boys and men are better as friends. At least they don’t bullshit and say as it is.

Thus my dear readers, I’ve taken a step back. I choose loneliness once again. Good news is that at least I can trust myself. I will never touch anyone’s man.

See ya !

The ability to trust in an “artificial” society

I don’t think that I am the only one having this issue. A choice between trusting and not doing it, to me is the most difficult of all. All due to the fact (and I need to be honest here) I cannot handle betrayals well. It’s like I’m sucked into a hole of pessimism. And having a rebuild self-esteem cannot help it. Because its not about feeling less important in some way, its about reliability. In relationships reliability is everything. Lack of it is the main reason people stop trusting each other.

Let’s forget romantic relationship. Trust needs to be found between a parent and a child, between the siblings, teachers and students. Just imagine we all wear a blind fold. We don’t know where we are headed but we trust the person holding our hand that it knows and will keep us safe. When it’s not happening and moreover we get to know things or experience thing which we never were prepared for causing us damage that’s when we really start battling with our thoughts. Sometimes leaving people that put us in disastrous situations no matter how we used to love them all due to the fact we all yearn for stability. Especially those that carry childhood traumas inside of them can be affected really badly having issues with socializing and making friends.

We want so badly to trust someone but we know that our safety is at stake. The decision is a difficult one to make because we can lose so much when we trust the wrong people. What I’ve noticed myself these few days is that reliability is very important to me. If someone decides to help me and then vanishes or makes excuses it hurts me a lot especially when I’ve looked up to them as seniors or thought of them as of my elder siblings. It automatically put me in a state of withdrawal and I don’t feel like ever suggesting anything or asking for their help. It just hurts too much. That feeling is so uncomfortable. And how to not become antisocial when people let you down with the simplest of things ?

Disappointment shatters us to pieces. It takes time to trust and feel safe again.