It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. To be honest my life has been quite monotonous, not counting the incident last week where I felt like all hope is lost. In the month of October I’ve been working on a project about hospitality management and I’ve been actually quite tired in my brain. Again being the only person to understand whats going on and whats expected from me…and three other people that did not have it figured out. Actually one of them I do consider being a “smart ass”. You know that type of a person that will suck up to the teachers but never actually do any work. But on the other hand, I do feel blessed. I actually managed to get a C in the previous course. And I hope I will not get all too much trouble from the “smart ass”. He actually consider himself worthy of getting the same reward for the project as me and the girls in the group although he wasted time on talking, instead of being helpful in the research… Oh.. I almost forgot. He did contribute with answer alternatives for one of the questions in the survey we had performed 😅… I really do hope nothing complicated will come out of this as it was a group decision to talk to our teacher about this. But the man was so stubborn and arrogant. So well…you never know with men…
What else ?
Hmm… I’ve been working on the new media technology thesis. I’ve decided to dedicate a sentence of acknowledgement to my mother. I don’t feel like repeating the cycle of toxic connections so that’s all I can give her for her birthday. I have figured out that I’ve been surrounded by narcissists, my whole life. And she is the most scariest of them all. But don’t worry.
Me staying low-profile is going to end soon. I did not get the job I wanted but at least I will earn enough for rent next month. I’m going to work at Stockholms mässan in Älvsjö for about a week and then let’s see. Maybe they will like me and I will get more work. If not, I will try getting something at a hotel or tourist agency. But I’ve decided to work with something that will allow me gain experience in the field of tourism.
As you see I look pretty even when I feel bored and exhausted by reading and repeating myself. I do believe that after this exhausting time is past I will be much more stronger and wiser. Nevertheless, it takes a lot of time to get anywhere. Maybe that’s why the feeling of monotony. I wish I could sleep instead of going to school tommorow. Unfortunately, its a seminar. I’ve gotten myself in big trouble because of the new course. There are at least 5 seminars and every time I have to read something or prepare for exercises. Media, Culture and Society is not easy but on the other hand I feel like its a gift in disguise from God and the course will actually help me to write my media technology thesis the right way. But well…maybe its me just overthinking again…
I will see you in a couple of days and this time I promise to upload the nakshatra series.
Today’s mood is a little better. Still feeling a little low but I managed do to more this morning than what I did during the whole day yesterday. Breakfast is done, lunch is about to be done, kids returned to pre-school and I’ve managed to log in into Canvas the studentplatform of the University where I am attending. Going to do my best this year to finish my Bachelors degree. I really feel hopeful although things will be different this time. I need to prioritize work. On the same time I really wish I could spend Ahads birthday with him or at least be there on Valentines Day.
You know you have to keep going … even when you don’t know your destination. I know it’s quite stupid because you end up going in circles and waste time, but sometimes its better to go somewhere, learn and experience things, places, people than just stay in stagnation mode. When I don’t make myself busy, I end up thinking a lot. To be honest way too much than what I should be thinking. Positive thinking takes me a long way but sometimes other factors decrease my satisfaction levels. There is nothing worse than a sad woman.
Hello! What a beautiful Saturday we have in Stockholm. It’s 5th February and there is actually no snow outside. Winters has been short the last 4 years. Even though the world has stopped for days, months or years in many places on our planet.
And here I am enjoying a cup of coffee with milk and sugar. It’s been a while since I really could enjoy some coffee in my own company. Maybe that’s why the sun is shining, so that I could enjoy this day to the fullest, even though there are many things for me to take care of. I feel calm and ready to dig deep into the space of science and knowledge.
I do not feel anxious anymore as I felt few days ago although I still could feel at times, why try when your work will not be appreciated anyways. But I still have a slice of hope that it will not be all that bad and that I will finally reach somewhere.
In a few days is my 2nd sons birthday. When I look back those three years, I’ve grown so much, yet not many people can actually see it. Maybe that’s why I feel so happy that at least the weather is nice when I try to finish what I’ve started. I really want to move forward but I do feel like my wings are cut whenever I try to fly. Being married to Ahad I feel good, very good actually but the distance is killin… both of us actually. That’s why I want to work even harder, so maybe one day our marriage will be shining brightly like a sun.
I thought a lot about the future I want. In my imagination there is still a lot of discovery, travel, delicious food from the all corners of the world, my kids enjoying their childhood and my man being by my side and sharing those moments with me. But I’ve learned that dreams are only permanent on paper. In reality everything changes and what made you once drawn to each other, makes you feel tired. I guess even eating the same food over and over again, makes one sick so … no wonders. Yet, I still want to work hard. My kids need me to be strong, they depend on me, no matter what my condition may be, they look up to me.
And so I am actually ready for another cup of coffee with milk and sugar. Digging deeper is quite a time consuming process. But at least I will not be poor on knowledge although it cannot sustain my thirst.