Betrayal

Your words,

are like an invisible knife piercing through my heart.

Your actions,

restraining me from a fresh start.

Although years had passed by

I still ask in the depths of my heart ” Why?

Why did you make me cry?

Why did you leave me dry?

Why lie about gifting me the sky,

when you think the price to pay is too high?

This never ending quest for answers,

no goodbye to the memories we shared.

Only a tiny hope,

to be spared another betrayal at the love’s end.

Graduation … but I am not there?

Hello my fellow readers!

Today is my younger brothers high school graduation party and I know I may seem selfish and insensitive but I did not go and probably will not go to many of the family events planned by my mother or at least where our mother will be present. Reasons for that are many but I do not want to give her more space than I’ve given her so far. I prefer my life to be without obligations. And I feel good with that thought that I managed to make a choice without feeling guilty, unlike the younger and more naive me few years ago.

When my mother found out that she is pregnant I was happy as I hoped I would have a baby sister. When a boy was born I forgot about that totally because he was still my baby brother and I loved him and I think he used to love me too.

Thinking back I was the one that used to take care of him the most. I used to wake up at 6 AM, sometimes before that. It was me that often took him to his pre-school and yeah…he used to stick like glue onto my leg while crying to not let him stay there. It made me realize how stressful it it to be a parent and I promised myself I would not let my child go through that agony when I have a family of my own. And I pretty much succeeded, although my mother tried to influence my choices and criticizes them still. I was the one that used to run from school just to pick him up on time. As you understand now, my life was about being my mothers assistant in one way or the other, where I had to be where she wanted me to be. Thus, I could not make friends with anyone else than those living in the same neighbourhood as us.

Then my younger brother started elementary school and had some problems reading. Life has shown that neither our mother, nor his father had enough patience to just let him read at his own pace. They used to scream at him very often and call him names. I used to see fear in his eyes quite often when it came to doing his home work at home. Even though I could ignore it and just be like normal teenager and only care about my own business, I did not. I took him to my room and read with him a few times and after some time he could do it fluently without my help. Maybe that explains why I only get a job at pre-schools and elementary schools. I am an empath but I do know myself that these things can take time. And no, I am not a saint. I do get frustrated myself with my own kids at times. But back to the topic.

I used to be close to my younger brother until the moment I married Prajwol and Aaron was born. After that I simply got tired of my mothers drama and her family meetings. And so it was even today. I am tired. I have two sons that has been quite sensitive and hyperactive these last week, to the point I’ve started crying out of frustration. I went to work and it wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I feel pretty much sick right now and imagining myself standing with two naughty kids in a crowded place, filled with cars and lorries fills me with anxiety. I know that I will probably not be understood and maybe it looks like my pride is in the way or that I am simply lazy but I am not. I did not intend on making my brother sad but I have to take a distance away from our mother, even if it hurts other people because I am not a child anymore and I think I’ve done more than enough during my teenage years. Now I simply want to rest my mind, my heart and my nervous sytem.

All I can wish my brother is that he becomes stronger and develops a feeling of self-love and self – appreciation. I hope he uses the skills he gained through his high school years to become his own person and not our mother pawn. I wish him prosperity and happiness. Being yourself is the most important. I hope he doesn’t give up on himself just because he is being pressured. And I will be always here if he gets sick of our mothers nagging.

Thank you for reading !

I wish all students an awesome future! – Don’t forget you hold the key to how life unfolds 😉.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Finding the joy I once had

The past few years were full of lessons, difficult ones for the most part. And so I forgot how true joy felt like. Of course, I laughed pretty much and smiled for the most part but you know it’s easy to act like something rather than tune into your feelings and express it the way you feel it. In love it is the same way. You either are it or you act like you are it but a substitute will never be the same as a honest and pure love that comes straight from your heart.

I’m about to make some important decisions and so I’m analysing the shattered pieces of me. The pain I felt as a child seems to have went away together with my grandmother’s death. Because I’m here, I can still make a change. The pain my parents caused me became a fact and somehow left my heart as well once I made my mind. But the feelings for the men I loved gave me a lot of headache. To love fully, to enjoy that feeling has not been something that I feel I could accomplish on my own. At least not now.

Maybe it’s me becoming more aware of the consequences that is stopping me. Because I’ve been that lonely kid that wanted to be loved for just being me and now I’m cautious to not become the mother that is forever a 18 years old kid although she is a woman in her 30s or 40s. Maybe because I am too much aware of the pain I may cause to my children if I follow my heart. And yes, my action may have said that I pretty much did what I wanted but it never came without struggle. I could never enjoy my choices. Not that it was not fun but rather because “they” would not let me. With “they” I mean adults that underneath are much younger than me and did much more dangerous and foolish things than me but still would act like I am the one lacking orientation on different aspects of my life.

Me going out there was a way for me to set myself free from all the burdens. The burdens of being forced to think of others, the burdens of being forced to act against my own wishes for the most part of my life. Many times I believed in humanity and so I got hurt to the point of heartbreak. Do I regret this? No. Because I believed and dreamed.

Dreaming is very important for a Pisces but right now I feel like a Taurus instead. Small gestures like looking into my husbands eyes or holding his hand seem to awaken more emotions than a passionate night. Slow and steady make my heart to flutter. At times I feel like I became the man that pierced my heart and made me harsh on myself and everybody that wants to surround me. But then I look into my husbands eyes and I can get a cozy feeling in my gut. It makes me cry at times, sometimes it makes me blush.

And after reflecting so deeply, diving inside my subconsciousness I am coming to a conclusion that the real joy wasn’t getting toys, jewellery, clothes or chocolates. It was all natural. A doll out of zucchini or corn, home made cheesecake by grandmom Teresa, running wildly around the village, collecting apples, strawberries and gooseberries, playing hide-and-seek with neighbourhood kids, culture festivals … and me and my innocence. I still had it in me in 2019. But slowly it died of even when I smiled because it felt lonely, the illusionary world and illusionary friendships. And now I’m here making an effort to still be me yet that little girl that could feel joy unconditionally.

Because I feel that if I found the joy I once had … it would make my marriage so beautiful.

See you until next time ! ❤️☀️