“My plan is to do some work while I try to finish my Bachelor degree. Thus, I don’t want any meddling and surprises“.
“Your boat is sinking.One wrong decision and you will drown. ” she answered.
Few days ago I’ve told my husband Ahad that I feel a big tsunami coming towards me. Guess what…
I was RIGHT !
Who wouldn’t like to be right about something? I guess me. It’s all because I am mostly right about the bad things that could happen to me.
Okay, I will not exaggerate. The worst hasn’t happen to me yet but I assure you. It’s pretty much coming my way and it’s quite scary. But this is life. Life does not always go in a positive direction. I am here to learn about life. Life is tough, it has always been. And I’ve always tried to be brave and strong, heading forward. My steps are small at times, but better being slow than stand and not do anything.
Saturn return is approaching my way so I expect the events of next summer make a big uncomfortable twist in my life but I assure you it’s just a beginning. But I really wish my family would be more supporting. I’ve just made a statement to my mother that my numerology number is 33 like Jesus, I will keep carrying the cross on my shoulders, even when people hit me from all sides and feed me vinegar.
🤔 I should make it the next topic… “Numerology – Master Numbers” 🤣🤣🤣
But apropo the introduction of today’s post. My ex has this great idea to move but for that he wants to involve my mother. Since he would need to pay double rent for 3 months, he thought of taking loan from her. I have problems breathing whenever I hear people talk bullshit like this. I want a clean finish. No more entanglement. But I know this people will not let me live in peace. I’ve already made a plan that I will work and finish my Bachelor degree and then try for a better job. I have what it takes to be an entrepreneur too. But as you know it requires time, plenty of patience and hard work. It’s not something that can be done overnight.
A sinking boat is not what I am afraid of. I’ve been there before many times. It’s just about willpower to get up again. Getting up get’s to be more difficult with extra weight but not impossible as long as we try and do our training.
Thank you & see you next time with the post about Master Numbers 11, 22 and 33 !
Its Christmas Eve and I was going to spend this day in silence but there is something I have to tell you. If you plan to gift someone something let it not be a request to hide yourself from the world.
Yesterday I wrote a post about this actually. How people act all lovey dovey and then can show one of their worse faces to you. For those that did not read it, read it here.
Have you heard about making the donkey move by giving it a carrot instead of a whip ?
Before I discuss this any further, please read the translation of a text my mom wrote on a page of a book I recevied as a “gift” from her today.
“Agnieszka, you’re like a rebellious angel. I know that children make all different mistakes in their life to learn how to live, but you are doing it in an extreme way and no one would risk their health and life to proceed with such extremes and lifes’ challenges like you. You need to have courage and you can lead a person into a state of shock, blindness and panic. Since you like to describe your inner feelings and life then I request you to write it inside this book even if you have to write bad things about me, other people do not need to know all about your inner feelings, later picking on the whole family, not understanding you at all. Take care of your health and plans by starting your day with thoughts about a healthy life style and with the same putting your thoughts on paper. I wish you a successful year 2022 and think about yourself and kids on first place. I have only one daughter and you’re important in my life and I would very much like for you to be strong, intelligent and to always have your own opinion to the end of your life. Just don’t change. Hugs, Mom. ,,
If you have read it, maybe at first glance you see a mother caring for her child, but I actually see someone telling me to shut up. A term for it is “reversed psychology”. You have to read between lines to figure it out. It’s unfortunate for my mom because she does not have a clue that I took a class in psychology in high school to understand myself better.
So instead of throwing too much dirt back today, since its Christmas Eve I would like to gift her some lessons that maybe will help her realize that what I am doing may be wrong to her or other people that would prefer to hide in a cave but to me its the right way because “Shades of me” is not created to blame people, its actually made to share my feelings and let people know that its normal to feel sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed and that the closest circle of your family or friends could be the factor. I did not start “Shades of me” to hide. I did it because I wanted to crawl out of my minds dark corners and make my name, my story, my pain and my happiness known, no matter if people like it or not.
I do not have any thoughts of using the book because I’ve done the journey of synchronisation with my inner self while I was preparing for my divorce. It’s quite ignorant to think that I’ve lost my way and make a point using a book on Christmas. But I do recommend the book to those that need self-motivation. I cleared this step already all by myself, without any guide books. I just listened to my heart, soul and mind. It was a long process but it made me to understand so much and the most important thing I’ve learned is that : I DO NOT NEED TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT PEOPLE THAT WERE NEVER A PART OF MY LIFE.
The books is saying that its okay to be me. And “Shades of me” is all me, not so perfect yet perfect for a person that is going through same shit like me. Revolutions do not happen by hiding in a cave. Poland would still be in slavery if people were obeying those that hold a gun. I share with the world about my life because I want to make a change. That change maybe will not benefit me but I will be glad if it benefits someone else. There are more people like me out there. I have a responsibility to uphold my spirit. Today I am hated, tommorow I could win a battle and be adored by thousands. I do not need the crowds, I only need those that fought the battle with me when it was all bad.
I wonder what my mom was thinking when she was giving me this book. This book is a clear verification of that I am doing the right thing. I don’t think she actually tried to understand me, thats why she does not understand me and where I stand right now. I love my mom but I will not change my ways because I know nothing will change by going back. And there is a fact I would like her to realize – she needs me more than I do.
I would like my mom to look around herself. How many people stand by her side without receiving anything. How many people would take a fall for her without expecting anything in return? I would like her to realize that there are not many people like that around her. And the saddest of all things, she would sell her soul to the devil if it only meant someone would give her illusions of adoration rather than stand on her own, even if it meant being happy single.
And there is another thing which she needs to understand. I am feeling better when I am open to the world about my struggles. Keeping things hidden does not solve my issues. Going outside of my comfort zone was the best thing I had ever done for myself. There are no chains around my hands or feet. I am criticized but I do not feel guilty. There is no better proof than that, I am doing what is right for me, for my own growth. I do believe that my fate is not to be a commoner. I do believe I am supposed to be like a royal person amongst commoners, to light up their way, show them how to live differently. Didn’t Jesus pay with his life for his convictions? Doesn’t he have admirers around the globe although he passed long time ago and no one can prove that he really is the Gods son? Why I cannot be that “different” person? Because my surname is Ratajczak and I come from a village around Tuchow ?
No matter what others will say I love my changes. I was able to see what is right and what is wrong for myself, not for my neighbour or my family. For myself. Mental health is my priority because it’s the mind that makes decisions, the mind controlls the body and its functions. I do love the process of becoming the best version of myself. And I think my mom should do it as well. Being alone does not need to mean feeling alone. Just look at Doda, a Polish singer. Divorced twice, she is in her 30s and instead of crying over her failures she celebrated with a divorce party.
Loving yourself means standing by your opinion even if others are against you.
Loving yourself means doing things which are good for you.
Loving yourself means feeling good in your body, mind and soul.
Loving yourself does NOT mean writing down thoughts inside a book so no one else will be able to judge you.
Loving yourself does NOT mean being scared how you will be treated.
Loving yourself does NOT mean keeping people that are not good for you in your life just so that you will feel less lonely.
LOVING YOURSELF IS MAKING SUSTAINABLE DECISIONS FOR YOUR MIND, BODY AND SOUL.
No, I cannot write my feelings in a book when the world is a canvas ready to be filled with wisdom by me.
My haters will die, my wisdom will stay. That’s what matters to me the most. And I will stand by it because I am brave and I am intelligent. And “Shades of me” is a expression of my inner strength, not craziness or stupidity. It’s me, my kingdom, my stage.