Vacation’s over. Action, baby!

Good morning!

It’s a sunny Sunday this morning in Sweden. And I feel in love or more likely I do yearn for love. Not sure if it’s because I slept with husband by my side (on the other side of the phone) or I’ve slept well knowing that vacation’s over. Nevertheless, today is a day I’ve started dreaming like years ago which brought me to thinking that maybe what I need is closeness, doing things which I cannot do with anyone else.

Watching my husbands back while he’s sleeping awaken a lot of feelings of affection. Whenever I am in Pakistan I always watch him sleep because he looks super cute. I am the one to cover him with blanket. He probably would take care of me too if not that he is a deep sleeper.

I’ve exercised this morning, thinking about my future self. Every day I see a improvement. I’ve got my curves back and feel more tight. I cannot wait to go on dates with my hubby in this body. I’ve probably checked dozens of dresses I would like to wear next time I am with my jalebi baby. When you are with somebody that knows how to give and take love, care and time, life feels very balanced and healthy. And that’s where action comes to play.

Vacation’s over. Action, baby!

It’s time to go back to work. I’ve got plenty of courses in hospitality management and event planning, a YouTube channel to run and of course Shades of me content to improve. But beside that pretty many bills to take care of. Money is in, money is out 😂. That’s pretty much my life. And don’t misunderstand me. I’m not chill about my financial problems. I tend to erupt like a Vulcano at times, sometimes it’s intense like a tsunami and comes without warning but I’ve just got to keep calm and keep working towards a better future which I hope will somehow come after my 33th birthday 🎂. And yeah… that’s in like 5 years but looking forward to it makes me want to improve myself. I know I may get sick if I try too hard but that’s just how I am.

Thank you for today & for the days on ward lord 🙏

See ya!

When someone you used to adore is hauting you in your dreams…

Hello my dear people! Outside my window is a big, wet disaster. The heavens are crying since yesterday, very intensely. I went to sleep around 2 AM and I am awake again. It’s all due the man that haunts me in my dreams from time to time. I don’t even have a clue why he keeps showing up. I have not seen him or talked to him since almost two years. I don’t have romantic dreams about him or any other that would signify that I still adore him, just being in his company and talking. In some dreams I watch him from a distance. There is a feeling that I want to protect him which is more weird due to the fact that he actually hurt me and I should be hating the man until the last day I breath. Why does he keep coming to me over and over again?

The first thought I got was that maybe I never wanted to cut our bond which is totally a crap thought. We should not keep toxic people around and he was kind of by being dishonest and hiding things from me. Totally confused I asked the divine just to get Ace of swords in reverse as an answer. I’ve asked for clarification and got King of Cups.

What does it mean?

There are many interpretations but I feel that the one that mostly resonates with me is that I was very deeply hurt being ignored for a long time. King of cups signifies a person that is a family man, a diplomat, a kind and sensitive person and indeed I’ve always seen him that way. In conclusion, I feel that I cut relations with him based on logic while my heart was not ready for it. Maybe I did act recklessly or maybe its the Rahu in Anuradha in my birth chart that forgave him all bad deeds. Not sure. But in my dream he was actually engaged and I talked to him as if I met a good friend after a very long time. I guess I miss his sense of humor. He could easily send you to a place with a lot of laughter and dreams. I guess until and unless I go again to Vienna and coincidently meet him on the street I will not know for sure. If even meeting him coincidently is written in my future…

Nevertheless, I prefer to remember him as a good friend, even though we cut our bond in a very dramatic way. And hope he will remember how much he meant for me rather than the last moments of our frriendship.

Thanks for reading and feel free to comment ! 🧸

Parents and baseless accusations : How your parents forgot their days as a parent

Hello my fellow readers! I am switching from astrology to more of a down to earth topic today. In the past week I’ve got a call which made me disappointed, not because someone was spiting hate behind my back but rather because the person that had to hear it got affected by it. By the title you probably understand who the culprit is and yeah… I am not proud of it in any way. I do not really want to go on making a blacklist of things that my parents did not the right way, nor do I care what people say about me because I have my own life and responsibilities, thus I do not give a damn about matters outside of my own home. But when my own parent plays a game of a good and bad cop, I cannot tolerate it, especially when it affects a person close to my heart that may not even have more than 3 years of life left due to a tumor in their head.

My self discovery journey made me to go very deep in to my subconsiousness. There was a time when I just had too much disappointment in my heart but I’ve never said anything that wasn’t true just so that it would sound like I am right and someone else is wrong. Since I’ve decided to divorce my first husband I’ve been quite distanced with my mother and father. Because they did not take my side. From their perspective I should blame myself. Thus, I got a proof of not being able to do mistakes or making wrong decisions without being blamed for it. To put more light into it, they care more about themselves and what other people say than actually their own kid.

The title takes up baseless accusations and yes, there are quite many. It comes especially from my mothers side. My father hasn’t been in the picture for a long time and I think that maybe it’s better that way, after all he wasn’t there when I needed him through out my teenage years. He met my ex-husband twice or trice and already made him his son. When I was about to divorce and I had gone through some difficult financial situation, the best thing he could write to my ex-husband was to leave me alone with my troubles because me and my mother are same. Then influenced by my mother last year he spit quite a lot of nonsense, like me going to foreign lands to meet a lover (not Ahad, my current husband) while I’ve still been married to my ex and spending my exes money on that person. More frustrating than that I couldn’t get. At least that’s what I thought until now. It’s been over a year now that I am not talking or visiting any of them. Occasionally, I say hello to my mother but she is the one to come to me first. I don’t need any drama, thus I avoid meeting her or being a part of her drama club.

Since I married Ahad I’ve been accused of being a selfish and careless mother by my own mother. She has been taunting me on and on about that as if I left them in a bad place. I left them with my grandmother for two weeks because me and my ex has shared custody and without him being okay I cannot take them anywhere .I left them with the same woman that my mother left me with for at least two years when she was away while working in Sweden. So the question pop-up automatically.

Was she angry actually because she cared about my kids or because I went to Pakistan to marry a Muslim and she uses my kids to punish me knowing how much I love them ?

Why the question pop up? Well, because in my memory she left me and my brother with our grandmother when she went to vacation with her lovers many, many times.

Why it bothers me? Because she as been dating a colorful palatte of men, Polish, Swedish, Marrocan, Indonesian and only God know who more. But that somehow seems to have been erased from her memory. But unfortunately not mine.

What about me? I had crush on many but the thought of becoming like my mom did not make me take any risks so I’ve never slept or kissed anyone that I knew wouldn’t be serious with me. It was enough that people that did not like my mom made me their trashbin and abused my pure mind.

Another accusation is about me not taking care of my kids and my ex doing a better job than me. This one feels very unfair and really does not make sense. Yes, he does spend more money on them now that I don’t have my student loan left but I think a parents role is more than just earning money. If I did not study during Covid-19 we would not make the months end without getting more and more in debt. When my ex got Covid-19 last year it was basically me paying most of the rent, then I had plenty of overdue electricity and internet bills, grocery orders and pre-school bills ( for those that are new…We stlil share the apartment). All was on me. Then our kids do not belong to those that are protective over their things, thus I changed the screen of iPads at least 4 times. In the end I did not have any strength anymore and just bought them a new one. With my name on the bill, not my ex-husbands. I’ve been going with kids to pre-school in the mornings while I still could afford it. Now I am working in school which means I am starting working when they just wake up so my ex-husband took the responsibility of leaving them at pre-school and I am picking them up. But still, the doctor appointments are on me and once I get a fulltime job everything will be on me.

Why talk shit about me? Because I don’t have any money to give away to her. But even if I had I would not give it to her knowing it’s for her fake luxurious life that she tries to project into the world. And I will certainly go further away once I settle well in life. I may come once she becomes severly ill, because I don’t hate her. I just don’t like her behaviour and the way she spits hate without even knowing anything or to be honest even wanting to know.

Any more memories from the time my parents were young parents? Yes, plenty of them. Our house in Dabrowka Tuchowska was situated by the road. My brother always used to leave our playground by home and drive his bicycle on the main road where lorries and other vehicles were driving. He was maybe 2 or 3 years old. But I guess, those so called responsible parents forgot that they were not so responsible in their 20s. Even I have experienced my parents “responsible” care and love. The mark on my back and on my knee is a proof of how much they cared what their child was doing.

The scar I got when I run into the fence that my dad installed so that my brother would not go out to the streets again.
The scar on my back that was caused by my mothers carelessness because she did not have money to buy me cough medicine.

DO NOT USE CHINESE MEDICINE ON YOUR KIDS. IT BURNS & LEAVES SCARS.

In conclusion, my dear readers if your parents left you with trauma and scars even those which cannot be seen by human eyes. Do not repeat their mistakes. Learn from their mistakes as you are the best proof whether their way of upbringing children was good or bad. Do things differently, remember how you felt when you were a child because your kid is a person too and it can feel the same way as you did years back.

If your parents nag at you and criticize you, don’t take it to your heart. Everyone has the right to do mistakes, but its important you learn from them and you will with time. As long as there is a will, nothing is impossible. At least that’s what I’ve been hearing during my childhood. Guess, I am the only one that took it seriously.

You are not a robot. You have a heart, a soul, a mind. Your uniqness is what makes you beautiful. Never forget that!

I know that being a parent can be challenging. No matter what we teach to our kids, they will still do what they seem fit. Some kids listen more and some less. And in my case I have two very stubborn individuals, that cause me a heartache from time to time but as long as they are fine and healthy… Nothing matters more. They are my all.

To me being a good parent is being selfless. What does it mean to be a good parent to you?

Thank you for reading !