Are all people that we call friends our friends?

Good evening to you my dear readers from around the world!

This day could not be more sad than this but I know that by tommorow everything will be fine. Todays topic is on friendships. Why? Well that’s because I don’t feel that I have luck with friends. I am good at finding people that always try to sniff around, mess with me and leave me completely disturbed. I think the planet in Jhyestha nakshatra of my husband is to blame this time though. People feel jealous and go behind my back. If you want me to be more clear, fine I will be.

Since some time I made friends with a girl that is having a high Scorpio energy. For a long time she couldn’t find a guy that she would feel a connection with. I made friends with many guys online but as I wasn’t ready for anything and some of them reminded me of someone I really did want to forget I thanked them for their time. One of the guys I thought would be a good match for that friend of mine and so I’ve introduced them to each other and after a few dates they became a couple. And nothing is wrong there, I was happy that finally I could help someone. That’s where the disappointing time starts that makes me feel like she started to feel that her boyfriend is not enough for her. There is not a single conversation where she would not ask about my husband, sometimes even she skips to say “hallo” and ask straight about my relationship. A couple of weeks ago I’ve changed my status on Facebook from married to nothing but it seems like for other people it was visible as single.

To be honest it does not matter what stands in my relationship status, the question asked was wrong again. The girl took her time explaining herself but what she does not understand is that from my point of view a facebook friend should not ask intimate and private questions. She makes me feel on and on like she is haunting in her thoughts for my husband and she feels jealous that I have him instead of her. And don’t take me wrong. I am not acting on emotions here.It’s my intuition. Even my husband observed a suspicious behaviour of hers. It’s like she tries to compete against me. In the start I thought it was a coincidence, I try to explain it with her narcissistic tendencies that she herself said that she had but now I’ve got enough.

If you think that I am not fair and I act rashly then fine but if someone only creates a relationship with me based on social media and never wants to give that extra from their side, that is not a real friendship. She invited me to a beach in Nacka but as I could not go because my kids are out of controll at times I’ve asked her to come to Nynäshamn which is not that far for someone that you really consider a friend but she declined. The only time she pops up is when something is happening between me and Ahad. Then she asks me questions which are really uncomfortable.

Today I’ve reached the limit. I thanked her for the memories and blocked her everywhere. Because I don’t want people to sniff around my relationship. My relationship may be visible in the media, our youtube channel but whatever we don’t show online we want to save for ourselves. It’s our private matter how things go between us and we do not need a third party. Even in friendships there are boundaries which you should not cross.

Why I feel so worried about it? Well. In high school there was a boy that I really really liked. I’ve introduced him and one of my friends. My friend was supposed to get some information about what the guy thinks about me. I wasn’t very brave at that time and I did not know a shit about dating or romance. Few weeks after my birthday they became a couple behind my back. She only has told me once they were together. I flipped. I even felt like jumping in front of a train that time. She hurt my self-esteem and I had a very difficult time making friends with girls since then. Forget trust. I was to afraid to do that for over a decade. Too be honest I felt that boys and men are better as friends. At least they don’t bullshit and say as it is.

Thus my dear readers, I’ve taken a step back. I choose loneliness once again. Good news is that at least I can trust myself. I will never touch anyone’s man.

See ya !

Time to return to reality

Hello my dear readers!

Since two weeks I’ve been in Pakistan with my husband and his family. As always beginnings tend to be better than the endings. I somehow grew out of the need to receive love from all people and prefer spending time with my husband as much as possible. Nevertheless, it has not been easy. I like my husbands family and don’t want them to feel sad or upset but on the same time being surrounded by all of them makes me tired. I came to a realization during my trip that only seeing my husband through a phone screen for months and then when we meet in real life not being able to be more intimate than in the bedroom is leaving me dissatisfied with my marriage. I came to Pakistan for him and whatever I did was for him. Not for his family to like me or tag me with titles. I know I’m genius and I know I am beautiful and a gem to have. I know all of these. A low self-esteem is the last thing I have right now. And so I’ve never asked to receive any praise and more so did never think of using my skills to be above others. I simply learn and invest in myself and so I have a set of responsibilities which I conduct in my household, school or working place.

I came back to Sweden yesterday and it could not end with my husband telling me how others were talking about me and the things I do. But if they only realised that to me doing house chores is easier than sitting with them. I used to have symptoms of social phobia when I was younger and I am actually feeling uncomfortable in groups of more than five people. It’s draining to be part of the discussion and all this comparison game that comes with it. When my husbands family has a feeling of pride because they can use my skills and will for a better future to boost their egos I feel that most of these people and the people that actually get jealous over it are idiots. I don’t mind giving them some books to read if they want to obtain same level of intelligence as me but unfortunately the drive to do it must come from within. If they never want to progress on their own I do not understand what’s all this fuss about. Nevertheless, I’ve already spoke my mind to Ahads family and I will not socialize with any of his family members next time. It may have worked for the couples in Pakistan but to me a relationship is a one to one thing and we should use every opportunity we get while meeting in person to spend with each other and experience new things together.

In conclusion, I do feel that I did not meet my goals with my trip. Nevertheless, I am happy that I got the opportunity to talk my mind and Ahad actually made place for that and his siblings listened. But the actual outcome is to be seen. You know how it is with people right? They forget the arrangements and always put a pinch of their own wants and needs. But I’m gonna fight it all. Because I do deserve to end this life in a happy mode. Until next time ! Thank you for reading! ❤️