I don’t think that I am the only one having this issue. A choice between trusting and not doing it, to me is the most difficult of all. All due to the fact (and I need to be honest here) I cannot handle betrayals well. It’s like I’m sucked into a hole of pessimism. And having a rebuild self-esteem cannot help it. Because its not about feeling less important in some way, its about reliability. In relationships reliability is everything. Lack of it is the main reason people stop trusting each other.
Let’s forget romantic relationship. Trust needs to be found between a parent and a child, between the siblings, teachers and students. Just imagine we all wear a blind fold. We don’t know where we are headed but we trust the person holding our hand that it knows and will keep us safe. When it’s not happening and moreover we get to know things or experience thing which we never were prepared for causing us damage that’s when we really start battling with our thoughts. Sometimes leaving people that put us in disastrous situations no matter how we used to love them all due to the fact we all yearn for stability. Especially those that carry childhood traumas inside of them can be affected really badly having issues with socializing and making friends.
We want so badly to trust someone but we know that our safety is at stake. The decision is a difficult one to make because we can lose so much when we trust the wrong people. What I’ve noticed myself these few days is that reliability is very important to me. If someone decides to help me and then vanishes or makes excuses it hurts me a lot especially when I’ve looked up to them as seniors or thought of them as of my elder siblings. It automatically put me in a state of withdrawal and I don’t feel like ever suggesting anything or asking for their help. It just hurts too much. That feeling is so uncomfortable. And how to not become antisocial when people let you down with the simplest of things ?
I’ve told you a plenty of times how I worked on my self-esteem but I’ve actually wouldn’t make it if not for a good internet connection and these all wonderful motivational speakers out there.
I’ve been a Facebook girl for a long time. I used to join groups and watch videos. That’s when I saw his first video, Trent Shelton. He was talking about letting go. That it’s not worth it, to stay with someone that makes us feel that we are less than what we actually are. Funny thing I was actually gathering courage to sign divorce papers for the first time at that period. To me that believes in divinity it was like a sign from angels or maybe even the God itself, that it’s okay. I’ve tried my best and its time to let go now and continue a karmic cycle with somebody else. Then we have the relationship specialists or more like “How a man thinks” – guru Matthew Hussey. I pretty much enjoyed his approach towards the topic of relationships and expression of feelings as well as behavioral psychology.
Then I met my spiritual guru 🥰. I just love that man. He has that kind of wisdom and dedication for astrology I would be happy to have myself. KRS or more specifically Kapiel Raj. His videos are pretty basic and probably you won’t read anything nice about him online but I’ve learned many things about astrology through his channel on youtube. The way he speaks and his way of entertaining people is the best. He made me to dive deeper into the world of spirituality and so I started to grow my own knowledge and see things which I did not notice before. I’m eagerly waiting for his Dasamsha series to be finished because I’m interested in the 10th house of Dasamsha with mars in it. For those that do not know its a divisional chart telling us about our career specifically and how we interact with our co-workers or bosses. Even if we will work under someone or own a business and what could that be.
Besides KRS there are other spiritual people who taugh me how to be more kind and open to people. I’ve learned how to not project my insecurities on others and to focus more on my inner development than pride. Appreciation is the keyword that Jay Shetty and Dhar Mann made me to reflect upon a lot. I finally started thinking about the future when I somehow ended up watching videos of Nas Daily, Khalid Al Ameri, Prince Ea and Joakim Lundell . It was so eye opening and I’ve learned a lot. I started finally believing that everything is possible as long as you work hard for it and that life does not need to end up for me at 5PM.
But the person I mostly appreciate due to the fact that I’ve been struggling with anxiety is the author of “Own your anxiety”, Julian Brass. Not only is he very humane, he created a community on instagram where he often discusses with individual like us “normal” people without acting like fame has eaten up his brain and manners.
I cannot personally thank any of them but I am so greatful for their guidance and time they put into their work. With them Iife felt less lonely and I was able to recover from things which brough me a lot of pain. Now I can finally speak in front of people without feeling like I will faint. I can record videos without feeling that I am not good enough. I can express my feelings in the public without feeling a sense of shame.