Today I’m supposed to feel sad but I don’t feel anything. No sadness, no anger, no disappointment. My grandmom has died. But I do not feel any feeling of loss. My reaction is rather one of a stranger hearing news about other strangers demise. There was never any attachment in my relationship with my grandmom. But there are memories. Painful ones. And my grandmom is the person that planted the seed in me. The seed of fear, anxiety, loneliness. But I do not feel anything. And thus there is no reason for me to grief. No need to fake tears. Would any of you cry for a stranger ? Probably not many of you.
But I do get irritated though. Some people are very ignorant like for example my cousin. Her parents left Tuchow ( I mean my uncle) after marriage and moved to Opole. Her mom did not need to hear from grandmom or great- grandmother any word of criticism. They just focused on their own life, their own family.
My parents were different. They stayed. And my mother became a target of hatred and criticism and so did I. My father instead kept getting complaints about my mom not being good enough of a house wife and he run away to his friends all the time, leaving my mother behind at home. That’s how grandmom constributed to my parents divorce. But there are even more things.
When I was around 6. I used to spend a lot of time at my grandmoms house. But I was not allowed to be carefree and play. I was constantly reminded that I am worthless, that nobody will want me as their wife because I will be like my mom. Someone that cannot take care of their home and husband. I did not even start attending school but I was constantly pushed around and neglected. I was compared to my grandmoms sister daughters Agnieszka and Sylwia.
“Look how many awards they won.”
“Look, they completed they class with honors.”
And you know what. When I was around the same age as them I won awards too and finished my class with honors, as the ONLY student! But no, I did not see anyone from my dads family being proud of me. No one said that my mom did a great job raising me on her own either. And when my mom finished her Bachelors in physiotherapy they even made fun of her in front of me.
When I visited my grandmom to invite her for my wedding she kept prelonging to just inform me later on that she won’t go because of great -grandmom. As if there was nobody else that could help out for one week. At that time I felt sad but not today. My 2nd grandmom came to my wedding despite having a tumor in her head that could blast anytime. Beside that she raised me, she sew costumes for me, she helped me with my home work ( something my parents did not even do). That’s why I appreciate my 2nd grandmom. She is very demanding and easily getting irritated but she always tries her best. She never made me feel like I was a nobody.
The last time I met my 1st grandmom was in April 2019. I greeted her. She ignored me.
Do you still think I should cry for her?
I never wished anyone death. But I will not force myself to feel something that isn’t there. She died today for everyone else but for me she died long time ago. And I know I will be criticised by many, some will say to forgive and forget, that she is gone now. But if forgiveness was easy we wouldn’t need to keep so many people in the jail.
Every action has its consequences and my grandmom knew what she was doing. She hurt a 6 years old girl, an innocent child going through her parents divorce. I needed someone to protect me, not someone to throw me into a cold place. And so although I don’t feel anything towards her at the moment and she is gone now. The seed she planted in my psychic is there and will be there always. Whenever I will go through a tough time, I will hear her voice in the back of my head.
“You will remind yourself my words one day… No one will want to have you as their wife if you cannot take care of them, clean, cook and do laundry”.
You know what… I am not the best at cleaning. To be honest I hate repetitive cleaning. But I tried my best. I divorced but not because my husband did not like me not being good at cleaning. I divorced because I had enough of carrying the burdens of home alone. So no. The only thing I can say is that “Grandmom, you lived in different times. Right now it’s about intelligence, looks or money. No one gives a damn about how good you’re at household duties. “
Thus, I don’t have anything else to say.
Rest in Peace. And I hope that you will awknowledge me at least from up there. Because I’ve just started livin’.
Thank you for reading !