What’s up? Just figuring myself out.

Good Sunday evening to you all!

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. To be honest my life has been quite monotonous, not counting the incident last week where I felt like all hope is lost. In the month of October I’ve been working on a project about hospitality management and I’ve been actually quite tired in my brain. Again being the only person to understand whats going on and whats expected from me…and three other people that did not have it figured out. Actually one of them I do consider being a “smart ass”. You know that type of a person that will suck up to the teachers but never actually do any work. But on the other hand, I do feel blessed. I actually managed to get a C in the previous course. And I hope I will not get all too much trouble from the “smart ass”. He actually consider himself worthy of getting the same reward for the project as me and the girls in the group although he wasted time on talking, instead of being helpful in the research… Oh.. I almost forgot. He did contribute with answer alternatives for one of the questions in the survey we had performed 😅… I really do hope nothing complicated will come out of this as it was a group decision to talk to our teacher about this. But the man was so stubborn and arrogant. So well…you never know with men…

What else ?

Hmm… I’ve been working on the new media technology thesis. I’ve decided to dedicate a sentence of acknowledgement to my mother. I don’t feel like repeating the cycle of toxic connections so that’s all I can give her for her birthday. I have figured out that I’ve been surrounded by narcissists, my whole life. And she is the most scariest of them all. But don’t worry.

Me staying low-profile is going to end soon. I did not get the job I wanted but at least I will earn enough for rent next month. I’m going to work at Stockholms mässan in Älvsjö for about a week and then let’s see. Maybe they will like me and I will get more work. If not, I will try getting something at a hotel or tourist agency. But I’ve decided to work with something that will allow me gain experience in the field of tourism.

As you see I look pretty even when I feel bored and exhausted by reading and repeating myself. I do believe that after this exhausting time is past I will be much more stronger and wiser. Nevertheless, it takes a lot of time to get anywhere. Maybe that’s why the feeling of monotony. I wish I could sleep instead of going to school tommorow. Unfortunately, its a seminar. I’ve gotten myself in big trouble because of the new course. There are at least 5 seminars and every time I have to read something or prepare for exercises. Media, Culture and Society is not easy but on the other hand I feel like its a gift in disguise from God and the course will actually help me to write my media technology thesis the right way. But well…maybe its me just overthinking again…

I will see you in a couple of days and this time I promise to upload the nakshatra series.

See you until then !

Like a magnet

I keep my distance to stay sane

knowing I could lose myself in the intensity.

Sharing the space with you

makes me question my identity.

I lower my gaze in shyness

thinking you could hear the beat of my heart.

In the background of thousands shining stars,

my face turns redish like the planet Mars.

Dreaming about your magnetic smile non stop.

Sweet and alluring like a lollipop,

making me wanna kiss you on the rooftop.

While we stay side by side,

you expose an aura,

that awakens my inner fauna.

And even if we would be miles apart

like a magnet,

you would make me gaze at you like a piece of art.

Being a mother … being a daughter

Good afternoon! Welcome to Shades of me !

Since it’s Mother’s Day, I’ve been reflecting a lot about me as a mother versus me as a daughter. The only thing that comes into my mind is that neither of the roles are easy. Being a mother means I need to be selfless, even if I disagree on many things I need to remind myself that I deserve to be my own person and so does my children. Of course I could easily manipulate kids into doing things which I see right for myself rather than them but that would mean I am not deserving of being called their mom. When I look at myself as the daughter that always was obedient, I really get sad when looking at the outcome.

I do not have issues with overindulgence when it comes to drugs or alcohol. I do not smoke even cigarettes. I am not a party girl. I do not leave my children with strangers to enjoy my life. I study, work, try my best to manage the household, going to doctor appointments with kids. Yet, in the eyes of my mother I am always not good enough. I am getting criticised, abandoned. I am being put in a sack with people that are thousands times worse. Is it a crime to love people despite their differences ? Is it a crime that I don’t spit on gays and lesbians? Is it a crime that I am tolerant ? Is it a crime that I have my own set of principles? Is it a crime that I don’t teach my children to hate others?

I am a wonderful human being and so are my kids. My youngest is the smartest kid I ever got to meet. He wasn’t even two years old and he knew the names of dinosaurs and pets, birds and sea creatures. And my eldest is the most sensible person I’ve ever got to meet. He is truly caring and innovative. He is not scared of being different. While other boys play only with guns, dinosaurs or cars, my boy does not mind playing with ponny and dolls. While his dad can make fun of him at times, I encourage him to play the way he likes because no one has the rights to choose what is better for you. If any of my children said that they don’t feel like being boys or that they have feelings for boys nothing would change my love for them. They are still my children despite all.

Unfortunately, I cannot count on the same. My grandmom called me today asking me to wish my mom a great day but I cannot. Not after she gave back all the gifts and cards I ever gave her for Mother’s day. To me it’s like saying that I am a marionette. Do what I say then you will be my daughter, don’t do and you lose the right to call me your mother – kind of thing.

But I’m not. If I can love her despite all irresponsible things she had ever done. She should too love us the same way. And I will not do any bargains on this.

Thank you for reading & wishing you a wonderful Mother’s Day!