The coldness in his eyes

Good afternoon my dear readers!

I am not sure where I am right now, transit wise. But it kind of feels like Mercury is coming slowly. But I am scared at the moment to make any guesses. I’m trying to be optimistic but it does not belong to the easiest tasks right now. As you may have guessed after reading my previous post I got misunderstandings with some family members or more likely my grandmom. I love my grandmom but there are few things which I cannot accept and that is her desire to know everything and the way she makes things out of context.

Yesterday, she kept messaging me about my ex and my cousins birthday and I’ve told her to leave me alone because I am not in a place to feel anything. Then she interpreted this as me being controlled by my husband Ahad. I got really upset about this because he does not have anything to do with my current situation that I need to go through. In the end, although I was very hesitant I had to tell her that I got issues at work. I am certain that many people know by now and that does not feel great because I am innocent but people will always use this misfortunate event to poke where it hurts.

Photo by Kat Smith on

Today wasn’t that great either. Prajwol called the kids but of course it was more for his family than himself as he did not talk to the children more than 5 minutes in total. Moreover, both his cousin Suraj and his brother Ujjwal kept making fun of my child. Today I got so upset I tried to correct their behaviour and guess what Mr. Thapa did… he cut the damn call! How can a father do that to a child? Of course I did not leave it alone. I sent him a message to stop this bullshit. Why does a poor child have to listen to someone elses seek perception on body image ? He is just 5 years. Why does a 5 years old need to think how much it is okay to eat and what he should be eating?! I wouldn’t make it a big issue if not for that Aaron is very sensitive to criticism and I am scared he will not want to eat or even worse, start binge eating like I did in my childhood. I really hate that coldness that comes from Prajwol Thapas eyes. It will never change. I’ve lost totally all respect for him at that moment.

I hope that if you see any adult bullying a child or criticizing their body weight or eating habits you will step forward. Of course healthy eating should be encouraged but there is a way to say it. Awakening fears and guilt is not a way to go.

Thank you for reading !

See you soon again !

Father’s love

Not experienced, yet dreamed

father’s love unfulfilled .

Emptiness echoing from the core of one’s heart.

A jar filled with hopes and wishes spilled,

difficult to put it back in one piece.

Once you’ve reached your limits of yearning,

what stays forever is a sense of mourning.

Pessimistic thoughts every morning,

being set on warning alarming.

For the times which could be beautiful,

instead painful one’s depriving you from the will to strive

for better tommorow,

for the revival of love

between the father and his child.

Thinking of the unfulfilled dreams playing up in my mind,

I smile.

What a great feeling it would be,

if my fathers love for me hadn’t died.

Close mindeness and his big pride,

too late to guide one’s set of direction in life.

Despite the disappointments,

making a find,

once the darkness becomes overshadowed by the light.

Divine father’s love,

feeding my human hungry heart.

Baby blues, anybody?

Have you given birth to a child recenly or a while ago and felt very much physically and mentally dejected? Did you cry at the sight of your baby? Did you experience mood swings after labour? Did it feel like the world is collapsing or you did not have a clue what you are doing?

Baby blues is the answer to all strong emotions you could have experienced after labour. In other terms post-pregnancy depression. Baby blues is the milder form that lasts upto two weeks, while post-pregnancy is something you have to work on with specialists and medication for a longer time.

Why am I taking this up? Because I think we should discuss more about it. Depression does not only hit women but men as well once they become parents. The responsibility a new parent needs to implement in their life may be a little too much for some. Many young people melt at the sight of the baby and there are even people that detest babies. Nevertheless, both groups can experience the same heaviness on their shoulder making them to feel panicked within after becoming parents.

Even though Baby blues is more about hormones, what kind of support we are getting from our partners, family and friends can have a big impact on the progress of the Baby blues as well. We should learn to depend on others but we should not let others tell us what something should be done unless we ask them. If someone tries to forcefully take your role as a mom and be Mrs. Perfect in front of you. Thank them but say clearly; “No, thank you. I will be fine.” Probably your mother in law,mother or an auntie won’t be too happy about it but its about your health and comfort so don’t feel guilty and don’t let anyone to make you guilty. Your feelings are natural.

Did I experience Baby blues? Yes, I did. With both of my children actually. The 1st time was the worst. I was locked in a tiny apartment of 30m2 with my mother in law that came to see her grandchild all the way from Nepal. My 1st husband had to go to work due to absent staff at work. My mother in law would tell me how bad her mother-in-law was when she was younger and I would cry. She would criticize my parents choice to divorce and preach me about discussing instead of divorcing. It made me sad and I started crying. She would call her relatives and friends or they would call every day. She would pick on a fight with me although I was not all cheerful because I have a damn fever due to an infection due to the stiches. My husband instead of calling me to ask how things are going, used to call his mom. Then instead of protecting me, my husband gave me a cold shoulder, even threathening me with divorce bacause I hurt his mothers feelings by being depressed. As you see, the worst experience you can have after just giving birth to your child.

When you have Baby blues you are super sensitive to everything that someone says and does. Being locked in the house is the worst you can do to yourself. Taking naps while the baby is sleeping is good in the first weeks post pregnancy but even going out from time to time for a stroll will do you good. Silence is important as well as you need to find yourself in your new role and create a routine that will work both for you and your kids.

My advice to you? The first month after your baby is born, don’t invite any family or friends over and make it clear that you don’t wish for any visits until you feel on track with this “being mom” – thing. Make yourself comfortable in your role as parents first. That’s mine advice to both new moms and dads.

Thank you for reading !