“Your boat is sinking…”is what she said

My plan is to do some work while I try to finish my Bachelor degree. Thus, I don’t want any meddling and surprises“.

Your boat is sinking. One wrong decision and you will drown. ” she answered.

Good evening!

Few days ago I’ve told my husband Ahad that I feel a big tsunami coming towards me. Guess what…

I was RIGHT !

Who wouldn’t like to be right about something? I guess me. It’s all because I am mostly right about the bad things that could happen to me.

Okay, I will not exaggerate. The worst hasn’t happen to me yet but I assure you. It’s pretty much coming my way and it’s quite scary. But this is life. Life does not always go in a positive direction. I am here to learn about life. Life is tough, it has always been. And I’ve always tried to be brave and strong, heading forward. My steps are small at times, but better being slow than stand and not do anything.

Saturn return is approaching my way so I expect the events of next summer make a big uncomfortable twist in my life but I assure you it’s just a beginning. But I really wish my family would be more supporting. I’ve just made a statement to my mother that my numerology number is 33 like Jesus, I will keep carrying the cross on my shoulders, even when people hit me from all sides and feed me vinegar.

🤔 I should make it the next topic… “Numerology – Master Numbers” 🤣🤣🤣

But apropo the introduction of today’s post. My ex has this great idea to move but for that he wants to involve my mother. Since he would need to pay double rent for 3 months, he thought of taking loan from her. I have problems breathing whenever I hear people talk bullshit like this. I want a clean finish. No more entanglement. But I know this people will not let me live in peace. I’ve already made a plan that I will work and finish my Bachelor degree and then try for a better job. I have what it takes to be an entrepreneur too. But as you know it requires time, plenty of patience and hard work. It’s not something that can be done overnight.

A sinking boat is not what I am afraid of. I’ve been there before many times. It’s just about willpower to get up again. Getting up get’s to be more difficult with extra weight but not impossible as long as we try and do our training.

Thank you & see you next time with the post about Master Numbers 11, 22 and 33 !

Photo by Griffin Wooldridge on Pexels.com

The day my heart said : “STOP”

Hello to you all that happen to read this post.

Yesterday I’ve done something I am not very proud of, thus I am writing this post in a really shaky state. If you read the post from yesterday you would have a clue how it all started but there are more things behind the scenes which I kept pushing away just to continue my long distance relationship with my husband Ahad. As usually, I’ve tried to let the man handle everything. Unlike him I am very open about my past as I believe that it does not define me as long as I am not the one creating harm to others. But yesterday I’ve reached my limits. I don’t want my sufferings and worries be echoed back at me. I want to be listened to and I want to see actions being taken based on that.

Most of the people reading this post know me and my situation. I can give the world to people but I am not a fool. There is no free bread in the world. I’ve watched my whole life how my mother used to give everything she had to strangers and never got even half of it back. She neglected her duties as a mom and pushed me and my siblings to the bottom. As I am very silent and never demand things openly from my family many think that they can take advantage of my kind nature and keep ruining their life and involve me in their mess. But I don’t want any of it. I know I derserve better. Most importantly my kids deserve even more because they are innocent in all this. If making them live a healthy life means I have to do it on my own I am happy to do that because they are my everything. Unlike the examples I’ve got in the past I am not going invest in relationships that only backfire at me and affect my mental ability to create a bright future for my children.

My dark childhood is one of the reasons I’ve decided to demand, something I’ve been a total loser at in my first marriage. My first partner promised me the moon and stars. He promised me to be my mother, father, brother, best friend, lover – in other terms a pretty amazing combo and I’ve believed him. I invested time, money, love, care, patience. As a result I’ve got loneliness, tension and felt as the most unattractive woman on Earth.

There is a saying: “No one steps twice in the same river“.

I broke that rule thinking that I finally met my soulmate. Ahad is a gentle person, unlike Prajwol that has the bulls gaze. But unlike Ahad, Prajwol has what it takes in terms of fighting for what he wants at any cost. My ex is getting married in October and I am wishing him all the best. I hope that the mistakes we made will be some kind of guide book for him to achieve a happy married life which he couldn’t achieve with me. Even I want to experience a blissful married life and when things seem stagnating or when there are messy situations in Ahads life that affect me I wear my armor without a single thought. I want to protect what I have. I need to protect myself so that I can fight for my childrens right to the future they deserve.

Many people may think that I am extremely stubborn or what I do does not make sense but the facts are that Ahad knew from day 1 that I am a mom. During the development of our relationship I allowed him into my world and all the concerns I have including my economy and responsibilities. No matter how kind I am, no one should think that I and my feelings should be ignored. Agni does not do empty talk. And there is a limit to all goodness, else we would not have hunger and diseaseas in poor countries or child trafficking and child labour.

I am not someone that feels good by being overpraised. I don’t even want people to look up to me. I just want a silent life. No drama, no tensions. Just peace. That’s how I like it. That’s how I am at my best. I am a Pisces after all. Two fishes swiming in opposite direction. Make me feel happy, I may even do an attempt and bring you a piece of heaven but make me feel worried or ignored and you will experience hell on earth. Because an angry Pisces is not a head filled with beautiful dreams.

Looking at how stubborn I am since yesterday my anger will not ease. At least not as fast as it used to. I feel very apathetic. It’s uncomfortable. I’ve never been so pissed to the point of my body vibrating like cellphone. But it’s for a good cause. For peace that everyone should have rights to experience at least once in their lifetime.

Sorry for the negative vibes my dear readers but since yesterday I am mourning. I feel like my 2nd marriage has started to die too.

Saturn return – you are such an asshole!

To help your curiosity to vanish I will tell you what happened. My ex aunties and uncles were very toxic people and put me in a total mentally disturb state during the time I was together with my ex. I used to throw up out of stress and it affected my pregnancy too. Magically things were settled down after I divorced him. Now the same kind of wave came in and out since 1,5 year from Ahads relatives. A stubborn cousin that became a sister-in-law demanding, cars, houses and asking for money on and on. She does not take a “No” for an answer and even uses her own kid to obtain things. Yesterday she made a havoc in front of a child just because all she cares about is spending money on useless things. But that’s not the thing that actually made me pissed. It’s the way people handle relationships. If you are not happy, what are you waiting for? Why do I need to hear a psycho screaming in a home that my dear husband Ahad says in also mine? They were going to divorce because that’s all they talk about but end up just giving more time and delaying what is inevitable.

The result of it : making me feel like I am in the middle of a war zone.

I hate people, I hate adults. I hate instability.

Going to sleep.


Father’s love

Not experienced, yet dreamed

father’s love unfulfilled .

Emptiness echoing from the core of one’s heart.

A jar filled with hopes and wishes spilled,

difficult to put it back in one piece.

Once you’ve reached your limits of yearning,

what stays forever is a sense of mourning.

Pessimistic thoughts every morning,

being set on warning alarming.

For the times which could be beautiful,

instead painful one’s depriving you from the will to strive

for better tommorow,

for the revival of love

between the father and his child.

Thinking of the unfulfilled dreams playing up in my mind,

I smile.

What a great feeling it would be,

if my fathers love for me hadn’t died.

Close mindeness and his big pride,

too late to guide one’s set of direction in life.

Despite the disappointments,

making a find,

once the darkness becomes overshadowed by the light.

Divine father’s love,

feeding my human hungry heart.