The lost magic at Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas everybody!

I am writing today’s post to let out all feelings of hopelessness. It’s Christmas, but ineed I feel very hopeless today. It’s been this way for a while. The feeling of the magic behind Christmas being gone. It was much easier when I was a child. I suppose because Christmas at that time was only about guessing what gift I would get. But after I became a mom, I started realizing that life is about more than just material things. I needed the emotional fullfilment. And being related to someone does not mean that I would get the feeling of home. It was actually the opposite for me when I was growing up. It did not feel like home, and my family felt more like a step family. The more I developed as a person and matured up, the more my eyes and ears were open. Today, I cannot see any magic. Christmas in movies and advertisement is about family gathering together and being friendly with each other but to me Christmas is just a display of illusions. Because I know that once Christmas is over, I would be the target of criticism again. My efforts go unseen, and I myself am called ungrateful without any good motivation behind.

I am just so tired of trying … to be someone my parents would approve of.

I spend the majority of my life, learning to not go into my parents steps. That’s how I got awards at school, I finished my Bachelor degree at age of 28 despite having small kids and I only slept with 2 men and both of them weren’t a one night stand fling. Of course there are things which did not go right for me too but I don’t feel like hurting myself just because someone decided to not care about consequences, the way I did. Despite this all, I still tried to keep good communication. You don’t need to be friends but at least you should be civil. I never force anyone to be with me. I don’t try to involve with anyone unless they show the willingness to do so.

What makes me most hopeless is that my mother does not know what she is thinking anymore. She gave me books about mindfullness and self development plenty of times but there is always a double morale there. It feels really uncomfortable. That’s why I feel lost today. I’m tired. I just wish to get a job and move far away from here. I want to feel the lost magic once again but I have to acknowledge the limitations. My life will not be any happier than that. At least not until I am a homestay mom. I need to go out. I need to create my own “family”, my own group of people that will accept me the way I am today. And sure, I am grateful for everything I’ve got so far, but I am a human. I do not live to fullfill anyones expectations. I am sorry, but that is not me.

God Bless you !

Thank you for reading!

Christmas Magic ?

Have you always thought as a child that Christmas has the power to change people for better? Maybe you saw how some individuals fight whole year just to act like nothing has ever happened during Christmas?

I’ve actually experienced both of these scenarios and I do believe I am not the only one that did. And of course every family has their misunderstandings but I am talking here about being very toxic , to the point you call each other names and things fly right and left. As a child I believed things would change for better and everyone would have a happy ever after. Unfortunately, the world of an adult is more complicated than a small girls world.

I used to grow up just fine and never questioned anything until I became a teenager and something changed. I started comparing peoples actions and analyse their strengths and weaknesses. Most of the elderly women around me were “perfectionist” in their world that never made any mistake. But I did see so many things lacking, most and foremost … manners and genuinity.

I celebrated Christmas in many places and I believe that the Christmas that our family celebrated with my stepbrothers auntie was the best of them all. That was actually the only place where I felt like I am Agnieszka and nobody else and no one would judge me for being me.

Then I have top four worst Christmas celebrations.

First in 2002, it was a cold Christmas, no family warmth. You could feel frustration in the air and I got a fever afterwards. I went like that the day after to Sweden to visit my mom whiIe still lived in Poland.

Secondly in 2005, first Christmas in Nynäshamn. It suck pretty much too. Our mom kept shooting us with her lazer eyes because we were not into reading the Bible. But that was actually refreshing after she ignored us for most of the year. She used to have her picture hanging with the stepfather and our stepbrother only but we all were supposed to feel like family. Sorry, I did only feel like luggage, very far from what a family should feel like.

Thirdly in 2009, my grandad got nuts and started firing firecrackers everywhere. He also fought with everyone and ended up hitting me with a full 2 liter bottle of coca-cola in the head. But nah it did not end there. My mom spray everywhere with pepparspray and I couldn’t breathe. Even though my mom did nto talk for a long time with him, my grandmom and uncles and the aunties “forgave” or more like totally normalized his behaviour.

The fourth time my world collapsed at Christmas time was due to my dad and his new wife. I probably never cried so much during Christmas as that time. It was the first time me and Prajwol visit him in his new home. It was actually the first time my dad met Prajwol. Instead of focusing on us, our plans, the conversations were about how my mom destroyed their life. My mom wasn’t the best but she always tried. I cannot feel ungrateful no matter how much she hurt me herself. It got so much into my mind I threw up for 3 days and did not feel like coming there again. It just did not feel like my place to be in.

So whats the conclusion of the story ?

Everything has been ignored. Totally. The year after most of the events had been forgotten. Whetever its Christmas magical powers to blind people or put a spell on them or maybe hypnotize them, I do not know. What I know though is that many people live their life filled with illusions and its not healthy.

Its said that Christmas is a special time where we should be in togetherness. We should forgive peoples sins and let go of our egos. But from my point of view, this kind of behaviour is one step from a suicide case.

Forgiveness is for those that really try to change for better. It should not be given to just anyone. It should be earned as much as respect does. And Christmas is not about collecting rubbish, its about being human. Better gift a homeless person a hot meal and some warm clothes than fake love for people that you will stab in the back anyways sooner or later.

Thank you & Merry X-mas !

Christmas traditions

Do you enjoy wine and turkey on Christmas or all kinds of varieties of sausages and hams? Maybe you are a traditionalist and the only meat served is a fish? Or perhaps you are fully a vegetarian? What about the give out of present and does anybody read the Bible before eating?

Christmas is celebrated by Christians and those live all over the world, thus the Christmas dinner is not all the same for everyone. Beside the food, even cultural influences make the Christmas a little different.

In Poland, waiting for the first star on the dark sky is a sign that the family is allowed to proceed with the dinner as the Bible says that a shining star on the sky lead the kings, Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar to the curb where Jesus was born. Most of the cuisine is filled with dried mushrooms and cabbage but there are many dishes with fish as well. The people of old age do a lot of baking and make their own juices out of dried fruits. There are total of 12 dishes on the dining table of Poles but slowly this traditon is dying off as families are small or do not have enough of money to indulge in big feasts and thus keep it simple on Christmas in order to let the younger generation enjoy their small gifts from Santa Claus. Before the start of the dinner on 24th December, one of the adults is reading few pages of the Holy scipts about Jesus birth. Then the whole family sings few Christmas songs and wishes each family member prosperity and health by dividing and exchanging a small piece of a thin wafer with each other. Only then you are allowed to eat. After food comes the most favourite time of all. Exchanging Christmas gifts. Alcohol is not allowed during Christmas as the Catholic church encourages to restraint from it during this day.

Just on the other side of the sea we have Sweden. And here Christmas is so much different. There is mulled wine and “julmust” (a Swedish version of Coca-cola with ginger spieces). The family is served Christmas ham and sausages. It is very popular to serve porridge during Christmas. In the old times the person cooking the porridge would add an almond in the pot and the person that would find the almond on their plate, would get married according to a belief in the 1800 – century. When it comes to the main dish of the day, it varies a lot. Some eat fish, some other invest in a crabplatter and there are families that eat meatballs with mushed potatoes and a brown sauce and cowberries. Swedes are very popular for their “Julbord” which is a buffe with different varieties of food that each person can pick from.

I once celebrated Christmas in Scotland in 2014 and it turned my world upside down because first of all, the gifts exchange happens on 25th of December, then they eat Turkey during Christmas and drink plenty of wine. What surprised me the most is that there is no etiquette, people come as they please. There is barely anyone singing Christmas songs and no one reads the Bible. People smile but they do not really feel like smiling. And don’t think I am against UK because I am not and I would be pleased to know that what I experience was just a misinterpretation and that Christmas is more special in Scotland and UK than what I’ve experienced.

And how do you celebrate your Christmas? Alone or with your loved ones ? Do you find anything familiar with the Christmas traditions I have experienced ?

Feel free to leave a comment and share your Christmas traditions and experiences.

Thank you for reading & see you tommorow !