Father’s love

Not experienced, yet dreamed

father’s love unfulfilled .

Emptiness echoing from the core of one’s heart.

A jar filled with hopes and wishes spilled,

difficult to put it back in one piece.

Once you’ve reached your limits of yearning,

what stays forever is a sense of mourning.

Pessimistic thoughts every morning,

being set on warning alarming.

For the times which could be beautiful,

instead painful one’s depriving you from the will to strive

for better tommorow,

for the revival of love

between the father and his child.

Thinking of the unfulfilled dreams playing up in my mind,

I smile.

What a great feeling it would be,

if my fathers love for me hadn’t died.

Close mindeness and his big pride,

too late to guide one’s set of direction in life.

Despite the disappointments,

making a find,

once the darkness becomes overshadowed by the light.

Divine father’s love,

feeding my human hungry heart.

They know it all yet nothing at all 😪

I am writing this post with a heavy heart. My parents are nuts. My mother is overreacting and my father is the most rotten right now. Not even knowing all the facts, doing things which are bad and spreading lies.

There is a saying in Poland that only the guilty gives explanations. I tried to manage my emotions and just ignore it all but I cannot when I hear from the person that took care of me when I was a small child, that my father is harrasing her and digging up old dirt which is not entirely based on true facts either.

I’m not a celebrity. My private life, my finances should be none of other peoples’ business. Yet, I’m forced to take a stand because a parent that has never been present during my teens, not even big parts of my childhood is spreading lies based only on a small piece of truth in order to paint my name in dark colors because he cannot let go of the fact that he has been cheated by my mother, his 1st wife.

I was 19 when I got my first debt. It was during the time I came back from Thailand after visiting my ex Prajwol. It was small enough thus I paid it. Later on I got more debts from CSN because I studied in order to bring Prajwol to Sweden. During that time no one was supportive of us. I paid rent to my mother. I was getting less than 10000 SEK that time and half of the money has been given to my mom. The other half was divided between the school expences and food. Prajwol did not earn anything at that time. And whatever money I succeeded to save was instantly and without asking taken from my wallet and sent to either Prajwols brother in Macau or his parents in India. I used to skip meals just to save a little more because I wanted to save for mine and Prajwols future. We were not married at that time.

We moved out after one year of living with my mother to a shared house in Stockholm where Prajwol was paying rent for 1 year after getting a job until the moment I got mine first good job and we paid half each. During that time I did not have much of saving opportunities either. Cooking Asian food cost a lot when you need to cook few days a week. I had a credit card bill at that time which I paid monthly back but the credit card was in Prajwols wallet at all times until I demanded it 6 months after and cut it to pieces. I did not like seeing Systembolaget ( Alcohol shop) or Lion Bar or even Taxi on the monthly transactions.

( The proof to be uploaded once I get it from the main office of Norwegian Bank)

I got pregnant in August 2016 and 2nd month of pregnancy decided to take a break from working due to my health condition where I threw up and couldn’t eat thus even fainted if I were to engage into any physical activities. I was registered at Arbetsförmedlingen that time thus received benefits from the government for all the days I was active in a Youth programme called Jobbgaranti för Ungdomar. I paid my bills myself but indeed my ex paid the rent which was below 4000 SEK. The apartment contract was on me though.

After the child was born. I paid the rent and took care of other expenses like internet and electricity from the parental leave I received. The child benefits has been saved on a separate account that I created for baby Aaron with the hope he wouldn’t need to live a life of uncertainty unlike me. (Unfortunately, I had to use them when we had to move to a new house in 2019. His dad was not prepared for so many expenses at the same time.)

In total 21000 SEK was saved up

To be able to save the child benefits money on baby Aarons account I started going to school again and received the study aid and loan from CSN. I used it for my school supplies and literature, house expenses and was forced to take food, diapers, clothes, medicines and toys for the child on installment by Klarna. Deeper into my studies I had to stay after school and do projects. I had no other choice than to propose my brothers girlfriend to babysit our child and in exchange I would pay her salary and taxes. The money from it were from me, not my ex. This continued even after baby Austin was born. I had to take another credit card and did some extra work at my University as an assistent. Life of a student is not easy when you have to buy literature for every new course, then buy clothes and shoes for your kids each 3-6 months and if the kids get sick you need a dozens of medicines ready for every issue. I barely had money for the things that would make me feel a little better. I was on the move with more duties after every pregnancy.

In Autumn 2019, I made my first trip after a long time. It was only possible because of the credit card I had. My vacation lasted a weekend before I had to return back to my duties as mom and student. Since it was also a year I had to start my thesis in Media Technology C I decided to write about digitalization in museums and flew for interviews and observations to Austria and Belgium. During that time I also had to pay salary and taxes to my brothers girlfriend in order to have someone to stay with the kids for few days. My ex did not like staying home. It would mean loss of money for him.

And yeah, 2019 was the year I was at my weakest. I needed someone to console me. I needed a friend. I couldn’t find one in my own husband. I found it in a guy that listened to me and made me feel that I was talented and beautiful. You don’t have a clue how much I needed to be seen after the earlier two years which were difficult. I was really depressed. All I had were duties.

In 2019, I actually started thinking about myself. And I know I started wrong but I got it right by the end of 2020 and beginning of 2021. I cleared 98% of the exams I had. Right now only having the thesis left to complete on both tourism and media side. And yes. I failed so many times, I took too much time, I got back into debts although my ex helped me to recover from the past ones. But for Gods sake I wasn’t only a student. I was also a mom. I study over 100%. Yet I am still pressured to become someone I am not. There are still so many unaccounted expenses. I try to cover them as much as possible. But this is life. And I don’t want to have a dull one where I only spend few hours a week at home and the rest while doing hard labour that does not give me any satisfaction nor any progress.

And that’s why I have some things I would like to officially say to my father over here in Polish. I don’t give a damn who reads this.

” Ojcze, zanim otworzyles buzie pomyslales jak uzbieraly mi sie wszystkie dlugi? Z jakich tranzakcji sie skladaly? Kto oplacil opiekunki dzieciom, lekarstwa, ubrania, mleko i pieluchy? Kto zostawal w domu jak dzieci byly chore i co wtedy tracil? Czy pomyslales jakie to uczucie rodzic samemu dziecko po prawie 2 dniach po odplynieciu wod plodowych i od razu po 5 dniach po porodzie wracac do szkoly ze strachem ze znowu czegos nie zaliczysz przez swoja nie obecnosc i twoj maz bedzie musial miec ciebie i swoich rodzicow na barkach, pozniej umiera Ci dziadek na dodatek a twoj maz nie potrafi cie wysluchac i zaczyna bawic sie w dyktatora przesladowce, rzuca ci dziecmi po katach i srasz ze strachu bo pamietasz jak twoj wlasny ojciec wybijal szyby, byl bity przez policje i w koncu postanowil na sznurkach sie wieszac na strychu a ja przerazone dziecko bez butow i w samych majtkach i koszulce pobieglam w zimie po pomoc. Tak ojcze, latwo wytykac palcami jak po 40-stce ma sie wszystko na pokaz a za kurtynami nie ma zdrowia a na dodatek niesplacone pozyczyki za ulepszanie domu. Ja mam 27 lat. I tak jestem wiecznym studentem. Mam dlugi. Ale nie zamierzam uciekac od obowiazkow i wrocic jak duch jak moje dziecko bedzie mialo 18 lat i wlasna perspektywe na zycie. Dla mnie jestes w tym momencie tchorzem. Zaluje ze wogole wybieglam z domu. Mogles sie wieszac. Nic od Ciebie nie chce. Od dziecka mozna bylo dzwonic w lato i zime i pytac ” Tato kiedy bedziesz w Polsce”. ” Tato kiedy bedziesz mial wolne”. I co ” Nie wiem. Duzo pracy.” “Nie wiem czy dostane wolne”. A pozniej od ludzi sluchac trzeba ze jednak tatus w Polsce byl ale nie dla Agnieszki. Bo co? Bo jak Marta jestem? Marta sie sama niezaplodnila!!! Marta nie miala sama obowiazku dzieci wychowac! Ty tez go miales! Gdzie byles? Myslales ze wysylajac 200 zl na dziecko wypelniles swoj obowiazek. Super tata, tak? Mylisz sie! Gowno wiesz o ojcostwie! Prajwol nie jest najlepszy ale przynajmniej nie uciekl zagranice od swoich dzieci. Tylko on i dzieci maja prawo mnie oceniac. Nie Ty!!! Zabiles mnie w 2019. Teraz ty przestajesz dla mnie istniec. Zniszczyles zycie mojej matce bo nie mogla poslubic czlowieka ktorego kochala. Teraz mi sie nie udalo z Prajwolem i chce sprobowac z kims innym i sie wtryniasz. Nie masz prawa! ”