Being a mother … being a daughter

Good afternoon! Welcome to Shades of me !

Since it’s Mother’s Day, I’ve been reflecting a lot about me as a mother versus me as a daughter. The only thing that comes into my mind is that neither of the roles are easy. Being a mother means I need to be selfless, even if I disagree on many things I need to remind myself that I deserve to be my own person and so does my children. Of course I could easily manipulate kids into doing things which I see right for myself rather than them but that would mean I am not deserving of being called their mom. When I look at myself as the daughter that always was obedient, I really get sad when looking at the outcome.

I do not have issues with overindulgence when it comes to drugs or alcohol. I do not smoke even cigarettes. I am not a party girl. I do not leave my children with strangers to enjoy my life. I study, work, try my best to manage the household, going to doctor appointments with kids. Yet, in the eyes of my mother I am always not good enough. I am getting criticised, abandoned. I am being put in a sack with people that are thousands times worse. Is it a crime to love people despite their differences ? Is it a crime that I don’t spit on gays and lesbians? Is it a crime that I am tolerant ? Is it a crime that I have my own set of principles? Is it a crime that I don’t teach my children to hate others?

I am a wonderful human being and so are my kids. My youngest is the smartest kid I ever got to meet. He wasn’t even two years old and he knew the names of dinosaurs and pets, birds and sea creatures. And my eldest is the most sensible person I’ve ever got to meet. He is truly caring and innovative. He is not scared of being different. While other boys play only with guns, dinosaurs or cars, my boy does not mind playing with ponny and dolls. While his dad can make fun of him at times, I encourage him to play the way he likes because no one has the rights to choose what is better for you. If any of my children said that they don’t feel like being boys or that they have feelings for boys nothing would change my love for them. They are still my children despite all.

Unfortunately, I cannot count on the same. My grandmom called me today asking me to wish my mom a great day but I cannot. Not after she gave back all the gifts and cards I ever gave her for Mother’s day. To me it’s like saying that I am a marionette. Do what I say then you will be my daughter, don’t do and you lose the right to call me your mother – kind of thing.

But I’m not. If I can love her despite all irresponsible things she had ever done. She should too love us the same way. And I will not do any bargains on this.

Thank you for reading & wishing you a wonderful Mother’s Day!

Feeling reborn & international cooking

Good morning! Today is beautiful. And to be honest yesterday was beautiful as well 😂 … And the days to come will be beautiful too. Why? Because I wake up every morning in two strong arms and then I look into those gentle eyes and I cannot get enough 🥰. This time it’s different. I do not feel guilt or worry. I found myself enjoying every bit of it.

Two days ago we were making tandoori chicken and I made some other variety of chicken too. I felt so happy seeing everyone enjoying the food I made.

Then yesterday I took charge of the kitchen once more and made three dishes. I made a chicken wok in teriyaki sauce, potato cakes ( placki ziemniaczane) that is very famous in Poland and momos which I’ve learned making from my 1st husband.

I’ve actually got some help from my current hubby as well and I need to acknowledge that the evening invited a lot of flashbacks. I see a young man that is happy to be a part of this thing called long distance relationship as long as it’s with me but on the same time I cannot stop but wonder if things will stay the same or will they change flavour after I’m all in. I’m actually starting to feel more and more. I still feel blocked but I do feel … love. It’s different this time. Because it’s truly just love.

And although perfect is what people usually want I feel happy with the way things are. My hubby is getting more handsome each day. But he also has this damn long sleep habit like my ex 😅 so I guess not many things change , only the perspective of things I suppose. Maybe because I’m 28 and not 18. Nevertheless, love at 28 feels alive and I do feel reborn. I cannot wait until he wakes up 😂 so I can finally get my cuddles.

Don’t take your time with your loved ones for granted even when your schedule is busy. And I will keep you updated. See you !

Finding the joy I once had

The past few years were full of lessons, difficult ones for the most part. And so I forgot how true joy felt like. Of course, I laughed pretty much and smiled for the most part but you know it’s easy to act like something rather than tune into your feelings and express it the way you feel it. In love it is the same way. You either are it or you act like you are it but a substitute will never be the same as a honest and pure love that comes straight from your heart.

I’m about to make some important decisions and so I’m analysing the shattered pieces of me. The pain I felt as a child seems to have went away together with my grandmother’s death. Because I’m here, I can still make a change. The pain my parents caused me became a fact and somehow left my heart as well once I made my mind. But the feelings for the men I loved gave me a lot of headache. To love fully, to enjoy that feeling has not been something that I feel I could accomplish on my own. At least not now.

Maybe it’s me becoming more aware of the consequences that is stopping me. Because I’ve been that lonely kid that wanted to be loved for just being me and now I’m cautious to not become the mother that is forever a 18 years old kid although she is a woman in her 30s or 40s. Maybe because I am too much aware of the pain I may cause to my children if I follow my heart. And yes, my action may have said that I pretty much did what I wanted but it never came without struggle. I could never enjoy my choices. Not that it was not fun but rather because “they” would not let me. With “they” I mean adults that underneath are much younger than me and did much more dangerous and foolish things than me but still would act like I am the one lacking orientation on different aspects of my life.

Me going out there was a way for me to set myself free from all the burdens. The burdens of being forced to think of others, the burdens of being forced to act against my own wishes for the most part of my life. Many times I believed in humanity and so I got hurt to the point of heartbreak. Do I regret this? No. Because I believed and dreamed.

Dreaming is very important for a Pisces but right now I feel like a Taurus instead. Small gestures like looking into my husbands eyes or holding his hand seem to awaken more emotions than a passionate night. Slow and steady make my heart to flutter. At times I feel like I became the man that pierced my heart and made me harsh on myself and everybody that wants to surround me. But then I look into my husbands eyes and I can get a cozy feeling in my gut. It makes me cry at times, sometimes it makes me blush.

And after reflecting so deeply, diving inside my subconsciousness I am coming to a conclusion that the real joy wasn’t getting toys, jewellery, clothes or chocolates. It was all natural. A doll out of zucchini or corn, home made cheesecake by grandmom Teresa, running wildly around the village, collecting apples, strawberries and gooseberries, playing hide-and-seek with neighbourhood kids, culture festivals … and me and my innocence. I still had it in me in 2019. But slowly it died of even when I smiled because it felt lonely, the illusionary world and illusionary friendships. And now I’m here making an effort to still be me yet that little girl that could feel joy unconditionally.

Because I feel that if I found the joy I once had … it would make my marriage so beautiful.

See you until next time ! ❤️☀️