It’s a sunny Sunday this morning in Sweden. And I feel in love or more likely I do yearn for love. Not sure if it’s because I slept with husband by my side (on the other side of the phone) or I’ve slept well knowing that vacation’s over. Nevertheless, today is a day I’ve started dreaming like years ago which brought me to thinking that maybe what I need is closeness, doing things which I cannot do with anyone else.
Watching my husbands back while he’s sleeping awaken a lot of feelings of affection. Whenever I am in Pakistan I always watch him sleep because he looks super cute. I am the one to cover him with blanket. He probably would take care of me too if not that he is a deep sleeper.
I’ve exercised this morning, thinking about my future self. Every day I see a improvement. I’ve got my curves back and feel more tight. I cannot wait to go on dates with my hubby in this body. I’ve probably checked dozens of dresses I would like to wear next time I am with my jalebi baby. When you are with somebody that knows how to give and take love, care and time, life feels very balanced and healthy. And that’s where action comes to play.
Vacation’s over. Action, baby!
It’s time to go back to work. I’ve got plenty of courses in hospitality management and event planning, a YouTube channel to run and of course Shades of me content to improve. But beside that pretty many bills to take care of. Money is in, money is out 😂. That’s pretty much my life. And don’t misunderstand me. I’m not chill about my financial problems. I tend to erupt like a Vulcano at times, sometimes it’s intense like a tsunami and comes without warning but I’ve just got to keep calm and keep working towards a better future which I hope will somehow come after my 33th birthday 🎂. And yeah… that’s in like 5 years but looking forward to it makes me want to improve myself. I know I may get sick if I try too hard but that’s just how I am.
Since it’s Mother’s Day, I’ve been reflecting a lot about me as a mother versus me as a daughter. The only thing that comes into my mind is that neither of the roles are easy. Being a mother means I need to be selfless, even if I disagree on many things I need to remind myself that I deserve to be my own person and so does my children. Of course I could easily manipulate kids into doing things which I see right for myself rather than them but that would mean I am not deserving of being called their mom. When I look at myself as the daughter that always was obedient, I really get sad when looking at the outcome.
I do not have issues with overindulgence when it comes to drugs or alcohol. I do not smoke even cigarettes. I am not a party girl. I do not leave my children with strangers to enjoy my life. I study, work, try my best to manage the household, going to doctor appointments with kids. Yet, in the eyes of my mother I am always not good enough. I am getting criticised, abandoned. I am being put in a sack with people that are thousands times worse. Is it a crime to love people despite their differences ? Is it a crime that I don’t spit on gays and lesbians? Is it a crime that I am tolerant ? Is it a crime that I have my own set of principles? Is it a crime that I don’t teach my children to hate others?
I am a wonderful human being and so are my kids. My youngest is the smartest kid I ever got to meet. He wasn’t even two years old and he knew the names of dinosaurs and pets, birds and sea creatures. And my eldest is the most sensible person I’ve ever got to meet. He is truly caring and innovative. He is not scared of being different. While other boys play only with guns, dinosaurs or cars, my boy does not mind playing with ponny and dolls. While his dad can make fun of him at times, I encourage him to play the way he likes because no one has the rights to choose what is better for you. If any of my children said that they don’t feel like being boys or that they have feelings for boys nothing would change my love for them. They are still my children despite all.
Unfortunately, I cannot count on the same. My grandmom called me today asking me to wish my mom a great day but I cannot. Not after she gave back all the gifts and cards I ever gave her for Mother’s day. To me it’s like saying that I am a marionette. Do what I say then you will be my daughter, don’t do and you lose the right to call me your mother – kind of thing.
But I’m not. If I can love her despite all irresponsible things she had ever done. She should too love us the same way. And I will not do any bargains on this.
Thank you for reading & wishing you a wonderful Mother’s Day!
Good morning! Today is beautiful. And to be honest yesterday was beautiful as well 😂 … And the days to come will be beautiful too. Why? Because I wake up every morning in two strong arms and then I look into those gentle eyes and I cannot get enough 🥰. This time it’s different. I do not feel guilt or worry. I found myself enjoying every bit of it.
Two days ago we were making tandoori chicken and I made some other variety of chicken too. I felt so happy seeing everyone enjoying the food I made.
Then yesterday I took charge of the kitchen once more and made three dishes. I made a chicken wok in teriyaki sauce, potato cakes ( placki ziemniaczane) that is very famous in Poland and momos which I’ve learned making from my 1st husband.
I’ve actually got some help from my current hubby as well and I need to acknowledge that the evening invited a lot of flashbacks. I see a young man that is happy to be a part of this thing called long distance relationship as long as it’s with me but on the same time I cannot stop but wonder if things will stay the same or will they change flavour after I’m all in. I’m actually starting to feel more and more. I still feel blocked but I do feel … love. It’s different this time. Because it’s truly just love.
And although perfect is what people usually want I feel happy with the way things are. My hubby is getting more handsome each day. But he also has this damn long sleep habit like my ex 😅 so I guess not many things change , only the perspective of things I suppose. Maybe because I’m 28 and not 18. Nevertheless, love at 28 feels alive and I do feel reborn. I cannot wait until he wakes up 😂 so I can finally get my cuddles.
Don’t take your time with your loved ones for granted even when your schedule is busy. And I will keep you updated. See you !