Father’s love

Not experienced, yet dreamed

father’s love unfulfilled .

Emptiness echoing from the core of one’s heart.

A jar filled with hopes and wishes spilled,

difficult to put it back in one piece.

Once you’ve reached your limits of yearning,

what stays forever is a sense of mourning.

Pessimistic thoughts every morning,

being set on warning alarming.

For the times which could be beautiful,

instead painful one’s depriving you from the will to strive

for better tommorow,

for the revival of love

between the father and his child.

Thinking of the unfulfilled dreams playing up in my mind,

I smile.

What a great feeling it would be,

if my fathers love for me hadn’t died.

Close mindeness and his big pride,

too late to guide one’s set of direction in life.

Despite the disappointments,

making a find,

once the darkness becomes overshadowed by the light.

Divine father’s love,

feeding my human hungry heart.

When daytime has 19 hours …

19 hours…? Yes, my day these few days consist of being on the move for 19 hours and sleeping 5 hours a day. I am working at the schools in Täby area, that is about 2 hours away from Nynäshamn where I live.

What happened? Life happened and me entering into the year I will be 28, that’s two years before me entering into another decennium. There is a saying wine tastes better after it ages, but I feel like I am becoming more rigid and less emotional, yet there is still a part of me that is innocent, curious and wants to enjoy life. But with 19 hours on the move I am not sure how far I will go. You know even candles burn out the longer they are in use, and I don’t wanna my fire to burn out. I am Agni, the sun. My existence is like the brightest of lights in the darkest of places.

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And so I’ve been thinking a lot. Like a lot, a lot, a lot. How do I reward myself for this struggle? In one of the courses at Kristianstad University I’ve been studying about regenerative work. So I’ve been thinking how to payback my body for lack of sleep and lack of time. I think I am gonna go on a retreat in March. A date for myself with myself. To charge batteries and to just listen to my mind, my heart, my body and my soul. People will call me weird. Ask me why I am not taking any friend along. But I am totally fine with it. Because I always felt it was odd, I was having more fun while being alone than having people around. All this having nice clothes to impress, having money to not feel bad, be wise to not be misjudged…it always weight so heavy. But why do it when there is no purpose to dwell into it? I am me, and I love me, thus I am taking me out on a date. But until that time I am gonna work my ass off. Tommorow 7.40, starts the class, so it’s my time to sleep but before I do, let me ask you…

What have you done for yourself that you haven’t done for others? And have you ever gone on a date with yourself ? What was the feeling? Where did you go?

XOXO

Love & hugs

Agni, the burning sun ☀️

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