Today’s post will be a little blend of everything due to the fact that I have so much feelings about certain things. I’m quite exhausted today I must admit, it must be because I am at my 5th cup of tea right now and did not take my vitamins this morning. So let me discuss one by one.
Acceptance & Self-love
Acceptance is something we often try to find in another person or a group of people. You must admit, its quite tricky because what we see as important, others will see as idiocy. There will be people that will think of us as fools but it does not mean that we necessarily are fools. Sometimes we just have that damn dark cloud of bad luck which makes us to meet people that do not deserve to be called our friends and/or family.
I think I am pretty, intelligent and do a great job as a mom despite many of the obstacles which are on the way. I’m trying to be someone I may never be, a father, an electrician, a muralist, a doctor, a teacher. I am not perfect but I am enough. But when I get to read a message from my mother to my husband, like this one :
”can you clean, work, cook? if so, it’s good because you will need these skills when you live together...😂,,
…then I really do wonder if I perhaps were exchanged at the time of my birth.
Three of the photos below are what I would like to be one day. A woman that can be herself without any stupid comments from her parents that were not perfect to begin with. The other two show who I am , a mom and to this small boy I am just his mom and he loves me despite my clothes being too short or showing too much. He loves me for the love and care I give him. I made the title “mom” special to him. He knows I am someone he can play with, talk with, ask for something yummy to eat from. I am someone he can hug and sleep with at night and in the day time. And when he is sick I am someone he can count on, I will stay to take care of him and make sure he is back on his feet. And that glow, the spark in his eyes will be there… always. Because no matter if I wear a hoodie and large pants or a minidress I am still the same person, with same likes and dislikes and principles of life. I do not become a bad mom because of my clothes or because I like to dance or am befriended with gays and lesbians. It’s ignorance, that kills the love and everything that is considered as an act of love. Love to another human being.
Of course I am not going to feel worse now just because an old woman that I used to adore when I was younger is throwing cow dung on me. I’ve learned her lessons without even wanting to be a part of the class. That’s why now I will do everything I consider good for myself and for my children. But I will not become someone I don’t want to just to get accepted and loved because I do not consider that kind of love as healthy. It’s like with lust. You would never jump in the sea for someone you just like to sleep with. Being a mom is different. At least for me. If my child has a wish I will listen without judgement. Because I know that I have a impact on these small “munchcins” of mine.
Tolerance & golden thought
Then we come to the other part of the post and although the headlines does not mention anything about love or lust I had a very intense night thinking about somehing I got to hear from my husband. It made me sad and angry. And I wished I did not know. Because its awful.
There is a woman, pregnant with a baby. A woman that did not marry out of love but is trying to do her best. In Pakistan and to be honest overall in the world, there will be many women like this but this woman I am symphatizing with, because she married a coward of a man, if not a ***tard. And my husband happens to know him.
In many countries being gay or having extramarital affairs means jailtime. But let’s be honest. Just because it’s prohibitet it does not stop people from doing it or being it. And there is nothing wrong with being gay but it’s not fair to have extramarital affairs without considering the other persons feelings. You say that you love the baby despite not loving the babies mom and that what you have with your lover is love, then I have a question. How the f*ck can you compare between love to a child and love for an asshole that will either leave you or you will leave instead, while your child will be always there, your child wil be bullied in school because of you, your child will have low self esteem and in worst case your childs mom will lose her mind, being and feeling unloved and disgusted by your dirty acts resulting in her death. And I am not being Miss Righteous here. I was a child like this. Always picked on by my relatives. Then I had few bullies that always found something wrong with my clothes or my hair style and finally even my body. I used to hear from people.
” You mom is a whore.”
“Your mom cannot cook and do laundry.”
“Your mom is a nobody and you will be same.“
The only thing I could ask myself was : WHY ? WHY ME?
I was kind. And I never spoke back. My only interest was singing and drawing but even that I couldn’t do in peace without being compared to some other kid. It took me many many years to get to know myself, accept myself but I know now that I live for myself and for my children. But its not the case with the woman I mentioned. She does not know and she probably will never know that she is beautiful, wonderful and worthy of so much more than a lying ***tard and coward of a man. And then we can come to the topic of friendships and being a father. Imagine that you are a father, you would never do anything that harms your child but then you have a friend that is doing bad things to his wife. My question is… what the heck are you still doing around a man like this?
No remorse. Talking about love when its only about sex.
You clearly see that your friend is only about talking, not doing. Think, one day maybe your kid will befriend the kid of your friend and whatever secret there is will come out. How will you explain to your child the situation when all the child can see is that his friend is in pain because of his parents there mommy is hospitalized while daddy has run away leaving him behind?
This is a scenario that could actually happen. And it fills up ones heart with guilt because you knew but did nothing to end it when there was still time to fix the issues.
I hope it makes those in similiar situation to think before they do. I am not a nun. I did my mistakes but I feel I had to take up this topic as a child that never been listened to by her parents. I feel its important to take it up because of another reason…
Ahad would like to have a child with me in the future. And altough I am not fully ready I will love this child once it arrives in our life. And I would like our child to always look up to Ahad just as much as I dreamed about it when I and Prajwol became parents to Aaron. Thus, I will not allow for any lies, swindling, gambling and cheating. Not in our relationship and not in our close relationships with other people. It’s awful and disgraceful, causing a lot of damage to the younger generations that are taking us adults as an example.
Thank you for reading & see you tommorow evening because I am out to work as an Art teacher ! Yuppi!