Being a mother … being a daughter

Good afternoon! Welcome to Shades of me !

Since it’s Mother’s Day, I’ve been reflecting a lot about me as a mother versus me as a daughter. The only thing that comes into my mind is that neither of the roles are easy. Being a mother means I need to be selfless, even if I disagree on many things I need to remind myself that I deserve to be my own person and so does my children. Of course I could easily manipulate kids into doing things which I see right for myself rather than them but that would mean I am not deserving of being called their mom. When I look at myself as the daughter that always was obedient, I really get sad when looking at the outcome.

I do not have issues with overindulgence when it comes to drugs or alcohol. I do not smoke even cigarettes. I am not a party girl. I do not leave my children with strangers to enjoy my life. I study, work, try my best to manage the household, going to doctor appointments with kids. Yet, in the eyes of my mother I am always not good enough. I am getting criticised, abandoned. I am being put in a sack with people that are thousands times worse. Is it a crime to love people despite their differences ? Is it a crime that I don’t spit on gays and lesbians? Is it a crime that I am tolerant ? Is it a crime that I have my own set of principles? Is it a crime that I don’t teach my children to hate others?

I am a wonderful human being and so are my kids. My youngest is the smartest kid I ever got to meet. He wasn’t even two years old and he knew the names of dinosaurs and pets, birds and sea creatures. And my eldest is the most sensible person I’ve ever got to meet. He is truly caring and innovative. He is not scared of being different. While other boys play only with guns, dinosaurs or cars, my boy does not mind playing with ponny and dolls. While his dad can make fun of him at times, I encourage him to play the way he likes because no one has the rights to choose what is better for you. If any of my children said that they don’t feel like being boys or that they have feelings for boys nothing would change my love for them. They are still my children despite all.

Unfortunately, I cannot count on the same. My grandmom called me today asking me to wish my mom a great day but I cannot. Not after she gave back all the gifts and cards I ever gave her for Mother’s day. To me it’s like saying that I am a marionette. Do what I say then you will be my daughter, don’t do and you lose the right to call me your mother – kind of thing.

But I’m not. If I can love her despite all irresponsible things she had ever done. She should too love us the same way. And I will not do any bargains on this.

Thank you for reading & wishing you a wonderful Mother’s Day!

Maturity of the planets and events connected to them

Hello! 😋

It’s been a while since I wrote anything on the topic of astrology but well… you even stagnate while learning sometimes. In the recent month’s I’ve taken more interest in Varshphal. That is yearly horoscope or differently called solar return. And so I dig a little and found out that every planet has an maturity age and by the end when they reach maturity some events connected to these planets will take place. But before I jump into analysis of my birth chart let me tell you when each planet matures.

Jupiter matures at the age of 16. It is believed that at that time humans have already created a set of principles and a belief system which they follow through out life. As Jupiter represents wisdom as in education , husband for a girl and children as well as religion and travel, some events connected to the significance of Jupiter will take place between the age of 15 and 16.

Sun matures at the age of 21. As it stands for authority, recognition and career between 20 and 21 we should be able to choose our career path. We could get our first job or be rewarded for something we did. As Sun stands for father too, something related to your father could take place.

Moon matures by the age of 24. By that time one should have gained mental stability and show signs of a mature mind. Moon stands for mind, home, mother, family, nourishment thus something connected to these should take place. Maybe you will purchase your first apartment? For that you will need to check planet placement in your birth chart.

Venus matures at the age of 25. Between 24 and 25 we could meet our partner or we could have a lesson about love and relationships. By that time we should be mature enough to lead a one to one relationship.

Mars matures at the age of 28, which means that between the age of 27 and 28 you will take action towards something or the opposite, you may lose courage, depending on house placement and planets surrounding mars. By the age of 28 we should have grown enough to understand how we can control our anger and how to use the energy for our benefit.

Mercury matures at the age of 32. As it’s a planet of communication and business by that time something related to our communication like planning , organising , leadership may take place but does not have to. It could be related to writing as Mercury ruled Gemini represents hands or something analytical as Mercury is ruling the sign of Virgo as well. If you are a scientist, it could mean that you will reach a new level when it comes to your career or you could get a reward or a degree . As with the other planets, placement such as house, planets sitting around Mercury and lord placement of that house should be checked for getting a clear idea about the event that will take place between 31 and 32. As Mercury stands for siblings too, something related to your younger siblings could take place.

Saturn matures at the age of 36. As it’s about responsibility and duty in our life, an event that will will happen by the age of 35 and 36 will require greater maturity and the willingness to serve our karma. By that time we will be aware of our duties and responsibilities towards others.

Rahu matures at the age of 42. By that time Rahu loses its strength and a person is able to let go of their illusions and become aware of the fact that money is not all the happiness in the world.

Ketu matures at the age of 48. By the age of 47 and 48 one should know their spiritual path and come to a realisation that clinging into people or things does not serve any purpose. It could be a time when one gets detached from the world.

So finally 😂 let me tell you what happened to me. And you can practice using my birth chart.

Between age of 15 and 16, I’ve decided to study textile design in high school and I’ve got an award for my achievements at school.

Between age of 20 and 21, many things happened. I had to grow up and master the courage to save my relationship and so my kids dad came to Sweden and we moved to another place. I’ve also decided that I want to pursue a career where I can be creative and give service.

Between the age of 23 and 24, I’ve pursued higher education at university. I’ve also became a mother during that time and had to learn to handle the pressure of home and school and all the criticism that I’ve gotten from my classmates for having children.

Between the age of 24 and 25, it’s said in 2018/2019, I’ve gone through a transformation and I’ve got a few lessons connected to marriage and relationships. I’ve started also to gain more knowledge about astrology. For me that was a big boom 💥. I felt like I was floating in the air. Everything I knew felt so unrealistic. I’ve decided to divorce during that time as well and I made it before my 26th birthday.

Between 27 and 28 I’ve actually remarried. Why? Karma is a bitch 😅 and I guess divorcees with kids are hot. Mars is in 7th house and 7th lord is in 7th house too. Mercury which also resides in in 7th house stands for contracts/written agreements and so I did nikah at the court.

I am 28 right now + 3 months 😂 . And I am super excited for what Mercury will give me at 32. But as Mercury is in 7th house I hope next step will be business, not a divorce. I am not so sure though when it comes to the events connected to Saturn at 36. At 42, I suspect my mother will get sick or I will have a big argument with my husband. At 48 I suspect Ketu will either give me a good position at work or will make me away from everything that has to do with materiality. There could be something related to death too.

Wow! It’s been so refreshing sharing something new with you. Soon I’m gonna start my own channel on YouTube where you will be able to discover yourself a new together with me 🌟.

See you soon !


Acceptance, Tolerance, Self-love & a golden thought


Today’s post will be a little blend of everything due to the fact that I have so much feelings about certain things. I’m quite exhausted today I must admit, it must be because I am at my 5th cup of tea right now and did not take my vitamins this morning. So let me discuss one by one.

Acceptance & Self-love

Acceptance is something we often try to find in another person or a group of people. You must admit, its quite tricky because what we see as important, others will see as idiocy. There will be people that will think of us as fools but it does not mean that we necessarily are fools. Sometimes we just have that damn dark cloud of bad luck which makes us to meet people that do not deserve to be called our friends and/or family.

I think I am pretty, intelligent and do a great job as a mom despite many of the obstacles which are on the way. I’m trying to be someone I may never be, a father, an electrician, a muralist, a doctor, a teacher. I am not perfect but I am enough. But when I get to read a message from my mother to my husband, like this one :

”can you clean, work, cook? if so, it’s good because you will need these skills when you live together...😂,,

…then I really do wonder if I perhaps were exchanged at the time of my birth.

Three of the photos below are what I would like to be one day. A woman that can be herself without any stupid comments from her parents that were not perfect to begin with. The other two show who I am , a mom and to this small boy I am just his mom and he loves me despite my clothes being too short or showing too much. He loves me for the love and care I give him. I made the title “mom” special to him. He knows I am someone he can play with, talk with, ask for something yummy to eat from. I am someone he can hug and sleep with at night and in the day time. And when he is sick I am someone he can count on, I will stay to take care of him and make sure he is back on his feet. And that glow, the spark in his eyes will be there… always. Because no matter if I wear a hoodie and large pants or a minidress I am still the same person, with same likes and dislikes and principles of life. I do not become a bad mom because of my clothes or because I like to dance or am befriended with gays and lesbians. It’s ignorance, that kills the love and everything that is considered as an act of love. Love to another human being.

Of course I am not going to feel worse now just because an old woman that I used to adore when I was younger is throwing cow dung on me. I’ve learned her lessons without even wanting to be a part of the class. That’s why now I will do everything I consider good for myself and for my children. But I will not become someone I don’t want to just to get accepted and loved because I do not consider that kind of love as healthy. It’s like with lust. You would never jump in the sea for someone you just like to sleep with. Being a mom is different. At least for me. If my child has a wish I will listen without judgement. Because I know that I have a impact on these small “munchcins” of mine.

Tolerance & golden thought

Then we come to the other part of the post and although the headlines does not mention anything about love or lust I had a very intense night thinking about somehing I got to hear from my husband. It made me sad and angry. And I wished I did not know. Because its awful.

There is a woman, pregnant with a baby. A woman that did not marry out of love but is trying to do her best. In Pakistan and to be honest overall in the world, there will be many women like this but this woman I am symphatizing with, because she married a coward of a man, if not a ***tard. And my husband happens to know him.

In many countries being gay or having extramarital affairs means jailtime. But let’s be honest. Just because it’s prohibitet it does not stop people from doing it or being it. And there is nothing wrong with being gay but it’s not fair to have extramarital affairs without considering the other persons feelings. You say that you love the baby despite not loving the babies mom and that what you have with your lover is love, then I have a question. How the f*ck can you compare between love to a child and love for an asshole that will either leave you or you will leave instead, while your child will be always there, your child wil be bullied in school because of you, your child will have low self esteem and in worst case your childs mom will lose her mind, being and feeling unloved and disgusted by your dirty acts resulting in her death. And I am not being Miss Righteous here. I was a child like this. Always picked on by my relatives. Then I had few bullies that always found something wrong with my clothes or my hair style and finally even my body. I used to hear from people.

You mom is a whore.”

Your mom cannot cook and do laundry.”

Your mom is a nobody and you will be same.

The only thing I could ask myself was : WHY ? WHY ME?

I was kind. And I never spoke back. My only interest was singing and drawing but even that I couldn’t do in peace without being compared to some other kid. It took me many many years to get to know myself, accept myself but I know now that I live for myself and for my children. But its not the case with the woman I mentioned. She does not know and she probably will never know that she is beautiful, wonderful and worthy of so much more than a lying ***tard and coward of a man. And then we can come to the topic of friendships and being a father. Imagine that you are a father, you would never do anything that harms your child but then you have a friend that is doing bad things to his wife. My question is… what the heck are you still doing around a man like this?

No remorse. Talking about love when its only about sex.

You clearly see that your friend is only about talking, not doing. Think, one day maybe your kid will befriend the kid of your friend and whatever secret there is will come out. How will you explain to your child the situation when all the child can see is that his friend is in pain because of his parents there mommy is hospitalized while daddy has run away leaving him behind?

This is a scenario that could actually happen. And it fills up ones heart with guilt because you knew but did nothing to end it when there was still time to fix the issues.

I hope it makes those in similiar situation to think before they do. I am not a nun. I did my mistakes but I feel I had to take up this topic as a child that never been listened to by her parents. I feel its important to take it up because of another reason…

Ahad would like to have a child with me in the future. And altough I am not fully ready I will love this child once it arrives in our life. And I would like our child to always look up to Ahad just as much as I dreamed about it when I and Prajwol became parents to Aaron. Thus, I will not allow for any lies, swindling, gambling and cheating. Not in our relationship and not in our close relationships with other people. It’s awful and disgraceful, causing a lot of damage to the younger generations that are taking us adults as an example.

Thank you for reading & see you tommorow evening because I am out to work as an Art teacher ! Yuppi!