I used to love posting videos and pictures a lot but the more I live I feel that I need the real things, real people. I’ve decided today to take a break from social media and from my long distance relationship as well. Facebook, instagram, WhatsApp, Snapchat… all apps deleted for me to find the balance and energy to keep going.
I realised today that I don’t enjoy talking to my husband every day over the phone as much as in the past. It’s draining and feels more like an obligation or duty than something I could say that I love doing. I talked about this with Ahad before but he always ended being sad and I kept pushing myself but now I cannot ignore my feelings anymore. I need to live according to my own timeframes else I will become crazy.
Does it mean I stop blogging as well?
Not sure… maybe, at least for a day or two. I want to do the things I usually don’t do. Usually morning is dedicated to kids, sometimes middle of the day is for me searching jobs and evening is for Ahad. There is not so much space for my own hobbies or interests. Even if I wished to sleep at 7 PM I cannot because usually Ahad comes to talk around that time and I feel that it really does not work for me anymore. I feel tired… really really tired. So that’s the reason I’m out of the apps. I just want to focus on myself and my feelings. I need social life and less virtual life at this moment. I need to feel the presence which I cannot feel by talking to people using social media apps.
Since I got the news that I will be representing EU Careers at my university, I got motivated to grab my old German books. I have joined a few forums to keep my writing skills alive. I still feel that I have a long way to go but I have explored as well that I can express myself on various topics in German which feels totally „ toll“ (A German word for amazing). I am about to know 4 languages, in speaking and writing. I suppose I am the first one in the Ratajczak generation.
The biggest subject that makes me driven to learn is well… my old friend. My Venus matured at the time when I met him and I started making a requirement list of what I need to feel happy. I met him at the time when I completely drown in agony. And what I felt at that time when we spend time together made a huge impact on me and thus I cannot forget him or the feeling I had and the transformation I went through in 2019/2020. I believe that we will meet one day… when I become stronger, wiser and more financially and emotionally stable. To reconnect and have exchange of thoughts which in my perspective did not go the right way the last time we spoke.
My Ahad asked me yesterday what was bothering me, if he should contact Shahzad for me but I declined. I am not ready and probably the man is still not ready as well to understand his mistakes or even why I am so obsessed over our past. But I do plan to drop by Vienna by the end of the year or at least before my 30th birthday. I would really like to attend the language test at ÖSD and try for B1 or B2. On the same time I could walk on the bridge over the Danube river and remind myself of the beautiful memories I made there. Every time I went there it felt like home. And perhaps while walking without a clear destination we will cross our paths once again…
Helloy! Hope you have a pleasant start of the weekend.
I am a little stuck somewhere between two dimensions – dreams and reality. I miss listening to music, singing and dancing. I miss all the things that once gave me joy. Putting on a brave face is not easy. Especially when you have a family that taunts you. I don’t want to put blame on anybody, I just simply want to let the frustration out. I am so frustrated that I don’t even have any strength to shout or cry. I just simply want to understand why me wanting something better for myself is so difficult to digest for others. Many peope can survive being practical but me being Pisces, practicality is just not me. I respect laws, regulations and strucutures but there is so little left of my true self. Doing what is expected by the society is very tiring.
I am thankful for all help I got these last few months…but it does not work. I need more understanding but its not easy. My family thinks I am slacking off and ruining my chances because I don’t apply to jobs which I know I will never get. For me it’s simple. Giving someone a job should not be a charity. I never studied medicine and I never thought of becoming elementary or high school teacher so obviously I don’t have a teacher license. I don’t even have a driving license and I am stuck in a black hole because that’s how Nynäshamn is perceived by people outside. I still managed to work in many places and I know I just need to cross my path with a decent employeer that will be willing to give me the responsibility and freedom to act at work which I desire.
I don’t want to be a copy of my parents or siblings. I simply want to be me and do what I love which is creating, planning, organizing, being of service, dealing with people of different ethinicites and nationalities. Self expression is important to me, I cannot do anything using only my head. My work and actions are connected to my heart. I can only succeed when I use my heart and imagination, my hands to create and the voice to speak. I feel the more I live that being my own boss would be the best options but somehow this position is still out of my reach.