Good morning my dear readers and followers!
Im writing to you from a rainy Nynäshamn in Sweden. I am a little bit nervous today as my kids are meeting some people today and I will be meeting this people on Friday 13th. Not a very good day for a serious meeting but at least I have one good news. I got hired yesterday and my salary is 16 EUR per hour. Nice! For someone without a teacher certificate. But as always there are not many people to pat my back and say that I did a great job. My ex did and my current husband. I suppose the story repeats itself. Strangers are closer than your own blood related family. Nevertheless, I am not in a place to let it take over my head. I need to be quite action oriented. The Saturn transit conjunct my natal Merc.ury is giving me trouble though. My whole body seems to be vibriting these days whenever I am tensed… anxiety I guess. Thus, I am keeping myself occupied. I have to submit my media technology thesis this Sunday. Maybe I will be doing some cleaning after I come back home with the kids in the evening. It always eases me in some way. But okay… let’s talk about that title that you got interest in and led you to read this post.
“You are the one that need me . I don’t need you.” – is what I have heard from my mother yesterday when she announced that she will no longer help me with the kids or in any other way.. Stating that I am on my own now because she is older than me and I don’t give her the respect she wants. The only thing I had to say was to her future husband “Good luck” . He will really need it because after she stops talking to us, he and his company will need to take her verbal abuse. I remember that last year or so I was the one saying that she is the one that need me. And I think that was pretty true. You can say that I am wrong. It’s okay. But that is my way of treating someone with narcissistic ways. No one protected me when I was a child and I developed anxiety which I fight to this day. I may seem cruel giving cold shoulder to the woman that gave birth to me but that is my way of protecting myself. Because I am not brainless as she always says that I am. I have my brain and heart at the right place. For me my grandmom was more of a mother than my own mother. That’s how I am good at drawing, doing all kids of crafts, sewing and I have easy time talking to strangers. My grandmom finished only 8th grade but has more logical thinking than my own mom. Thus, I will keep studying and becoming a more confident self. It will be difficult of course. No single mom has an easy life. But I definitely will find at least one good soul to help me when needed. And its not like I was needing any help after I moved from my moms house at the age of 20, 2015. My economy became worse when I moved to our current apartment in 2019, because I had two small kids, too many days filled with all kinds of baby diseases and a husband that did not want to cooperate so I could go to work.
So my dear readers if anyone is telling you that you are worthless or that you will not achieve anything without them know that it’s called gaslighting and its mental abuse which in most countries is illegal. Instead of questioning yourself , just go out for some fresh air and focus on your own goals. If you don’t have, create some. It’s always better than being in stagnation mode. I know that its difficult at times when there are too many problems to carry on your shoulders but believe me you can do it!
Take baby steps, but do it!
And if anyone talks to you about respect… Just tell them to look at the mirror.
“Respect means that you accept somebody for who they are, even when they’re different from you or you don’t agree with them. Respect in your relationships builds feelings of trust, safety, and wellbeing. Respect doesn’t have to come naturally – it is something you learn.” (kidshelpline.com.au)
Thank you for reading !