Equality in the world of prejudice

Hello to you my dear readers! This Friday morning could have been better but as there are clouds outside of my window and a fog in my mind right now I do feel kind of sad. I’ve wanted to create a space where people could find answers to their problems but today I must solve mine own.

Yesterday when I was on my way back home after work I’ve opened my phone and I’ve got a notification. I was too much wasted to open it right away so I’ve waited until I reached home. I still had to pick up my kids from preschool. Once I got home and did all the rutines of feeding my kids a dinner and helping them to wash up and so on, I lay down on the bed while talking to Ahad and checked the notification I’ve got on Kirva. I was truly devastated when I saw that half of the rent money was not paid. I fast checked my bank account bill and my half was sent in on time.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

I never suspected that my ex would put me in this situation. After all he is the one with money ALWAYS, while I am the loser that need to take things on installment to get by. But this time it seems he got overconfident and misjudged his financial situation. Nevertheless, the problem is that the bill is on me and I am seem to live in a world filled with prejudice and no equality. While I have all the qualification due to my studies and my wide working experience, my ex has no education and plenty of references because he put his career always above kids (and me while we were still together). The question is, why do I need to be treated like a disease just because I have kids while he climbs the ladder because he sacrifice his children along the way ?Why?!

Right now I need to work in kindergarden, do the job I hate so much. I don’t hate it because of the kids but more because of the boredom and unjust treatment I have to experience. Sitting long hours outside, walking in circles as if I was an eagle and no one even tries to remember my name correctly. They make either their own version of my name or just call me “temp” which is way too disrespectful. On top top of that Austin got some allergy reaction and I need to book appointment at the doctor because he could have pollen allergy or the same disease as my mother has which is freaking me out. If I knew that my kids would suffer because of my DNA I would never give birth to any of them.

Nevertheless, today I need to figure out a way to make a living in a way in which I can develop as a person and still earn good. This part is quite a hard part when people do not believe in your qualifications because you became a mom early in life or because you are bigger than average people. There seems to be so much prejudice everywhere. Why do we fight for equality when people already made their judgement even before seeing anyone work ?

My friends, I wish you an awesome weekend! And do not worry too much, my writing may be affected by my emotions right now but I am the moon in the darkness, I will always find my way to become a sun once again.

See you !

Graduation … but I am not there?

Hello my fellow readers!

Today is my younger brothers high school graduation party and I know I may seem selfish and insensitive but I did not go and probably will not go to many of the family events planned by my mother or at least where our mother will be present. Reasons for that are many but I do not want to give her more space than I’ve given her so far. I prefer my life to be without obligations. And I feel good with that thought that I managed to make a choice without feeling guilty, unlike the younger and more naive me few years ago.

When my mother found out that she is pregnant I was happy as I hoped I would have a baby sister. When a boy was born I forgot about that totally because he was still my baby brother and I loved him and I think he used to love me too.

Thinking back I was the one that used to take care of him the most. I used to wake up at 6 AM, sometimes before that. It was me that often took him to his pre-school and yeah…he used to stick like glue onto my leg while crying to not let him stay there. It made me realize how stressful it it to be a parent and I promised myself I would not let my child go through that agony when I have a family of my own. And I pretty much succeeded, although my mother tried to influence my choices and criticizes them still. I was the one that used to run from school just to pick him up on time. As you understand now, my life was about being my mothers assistant in one way or the other, where I had to be where she wanted me to be. Thus, I could not make friends with anyone else than those living in the same neighbourhood as us.

Then my younger brother started elementary school and had some problems reading. Life has shown that neither our mother, nor his father had enough patience to just let him read at his own pace. They used to scream at him very often and call him names. I used to see fear in his eyes quite often when it came to doing his home work at home. Even though I could ignore it and just be like normal teenager and only care about my own business, I did not. I took him to my room and read with him a few times and after some time he could do it fluently without my help. Maybe that explains why I only get a job at pre-schools and elementary schools. I am an empath but I do know myself that these things can take time. And no, I am not a saint. I do get frustrated myself with my own kids at times. But back to the topic.

I used to be close to my younger brother until the moment I married Prajwol and Aaron was born. After that I simply got tired of my mothers drama and her family meetings. And so it was even today. I am tired. I have two sons that has been quite sensitive and hyperactive these last week, to the point I’ve started crying out of frustration. I went to work and it wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. I feel pretty much sick right now and imagining myself standing with two naughty kids in a crowded place, filled with cars and lorries fills me with anxiety. I know that I will probably not be understood and maybe it looks like my pride is in the way or that I am simply lazy but I am not. I did not intend on making my brother sad but I have to take a distance away from our mother, even if it hurts other people because I am not a child anymore and I think I’ve done more than enough during my teenage years. Now I simply want to rest my mind, my heart and my nervous sytem.

All I can wish my brother is that he becomes stronger and develops a feeling of self-love and self – appreciation. I hope he uses the skills he gained through his high school years to become his own person and not our mother pawn. I wish him prosperity and happiness. Being yourself is the most important. I hope he doesn’t give up on himself just because he is being pressured. And I will be always here if he gets sick of our mothers nagging.

Thank you for reading !

I wish all students an awesome future! – Don’t forget you hold the key to how life unfolds 😉.

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Being a mother … being a daughter

Good afternoon! Welcome to Shades of me !

Since it’s Mother’s Day, I’ve been reflecting a lot about me as a mother versus me as a daughter. The only thing that comes into my mind is that neither of the roles are easy. Being a mother means I need to be selfless, even if I disagree on many things I need to remind myself that I deserve to be my own person and so does my children. Of course I could easily manipulate kids into doing things which I see right for myself rather than them but that would mean I am not deserving of being called their mom. When I look at myself as the daughter that always was obedient, I really get sad when looking at the outcome.

I do not have issues with overindulgence when it comes to drugs or alcohol. I do not smoke even cigarettes. I am not a party girl. I do not leave my children with strangers to enjoy my life. I study, work, try my best to manage the household, going to doctor appointments with kids. Yet, in the eyes of my mother I am always not good enough. I am getting criticised, abandoned. I am being put in a sack with people that are thousands times worse. Is it a crime to love people despite their differences ? Is it a crime that I don’t spit on gays and lesbians? Is it a crime that I am tolerant ? Is it a crime that I have my own set of principles? Is it a crime that I don’t teach my children to hate others?

I am a wonderful human being and so are my kids. My youngest is the smartest kid I ever got to meet. He wasn’t even two years old and he knew the names of dinosaurs and pets, birds and sea creatures. And my eldest is the most sensible person I’ve ever got to meet. He is truly caring and innovative. He is not scared of being different. While other boys play only with guns, dinosaurs or cars, my boy does not mind playing with ponny and dolls. While his dad can make fun of him at times, I encourage him to play the way he likes because no one has the rights to choose what is better for you. If any of my children said that they don’t feel like being boys or that they have feelings for boys nothing would change my love for them. They are still my children despite all.

Unfortunately, I cannot count on the same. My grandmom called me today asking me to wish my mom a great day but I cannot. Not after she gave back all the gifts and cards I ever gave her for Mother’s day. To me it’s like saying that I am a marionette. Do what I say then you will be my daughter, don’t do and you lose the right to call me your mother – kind of thing.

But I’m not. If I can love her despite all irresponsible things she had ever done. She should too love us the same way. And I will not do any bargains on this.

Thank you for reading & wishing you a wonderful Mother’s Day!

The way I celebrate Mother’s Day

Hello my dear people! Welcome to another amazing post ☺️. The season for happy mothers shall begin 😂 nah … I’m joking. But it’s actually Mother’s Day. I started a little early to be honest. In Poland we celebrate on 26th of May and in Sweden on 28 of May. I’m going by the Polish date. But instead of making this day all about me I choose to do something fun with my kids.

We’ve discussed a few days earlier about going outside to eat and play. Unfortunately the McDonalds in Globen ceased to exist so we could only play. I took the kids to Tolv Stockholm which is placed in the same building as Tele2 arena.

My boys were super excited when they saw so many different games in the arcade room 😂. They had a difficult time settling for one game for a longer period of time.

I think the most fun attraction for kids are those mini settings for bowling. I feel really happy that I took my boys to Tolv Stockholm. Except games, there are many restaurants, bowling, karaoke and night club. You can even find a small hotel in the building.

For me seeing them healthy and happy is the best gift I could get as a mother. Maybe it sounds a little too corny 😅 but it’s simple as that. Because if not for them I wouldn’t be able to celebrate this day. To have this little devils in my life is filled with unexpected events but I wouldn’t exchange my role as their mom for anything else.

Life is an adventure and it’s much more fun when you spend it on making your children happy. Still I do not forget to set boundaries, else I wouldn’t be able to leave that place 😂.

Since there was no McDonald’s and kids wanted to ride bus back home we’ve decided to have pizza for dinner at home but before that a snack at a nearby fast food building, without it I would have two dissatisfied kids.

Thank you for reading and stay tuned for more amazing posts ! 🌟

Do not marry, if you feel insecure about yourself !

Hello gals and guys!

I woke up with big sadness this morning but if only that. I actually have this fear that makes me anxious. And maybe reading the title you think it’s about me but nah… I’m not the insecure one. I’m the anxious one.

No matter how hard I try to be away from people that do not do me any well, somehow I attract them even more. “Nice” , right?

I’ve married two men, both were full of confidence while in the process of pursuing me. So yeah I believed them and married them. But when this crap called “ insecurity” crawl out from their side I do not feel safe. Not the first time and not the 2nd time either.

Marriage is not about asking for more time. When you marry someone it’s not only you anymore. You fuckin gave a promise to take care of each other for the rest of your lives and that means you cannot go “pasta”! You need to become steel because you actually married a life, a life that believed every word of yours! If you are going to indulge in self-pity why trap a person that knows what it wants? Does that person look like a decorative piece? Am I supposed to give more value to the man by just being stuck with him in the same place for years ?! It’s action now baby or the movie will have a sad ending.

Do not marry, if you feel insecure about yourself! You do not only destroy for yourself to actually marry the right way and have a happy marriage but also you take this opportunity from the person you married because you stubbornly said that you were “ready” for marriage.

Being ready for marriage is not asking for more time to proof yourself! You made the person to marry you because she thought you were great and she believed that you could do even more great once you are bond together! But that means pressing forward, not going backward in development.

To ask your wife for more time feels just pathetic. You wouldn’t know but she probably is more depressed than ever hearing you pitying yourself. She thought you were her hero but to see you becoming an infant in front of her makes her decision to marry you feel like a failure.

Let me tell this to you all who are in this kind of situations where the partner turns to be having issues with self-esteem and self pity . You do not own them anything! Don’t stay just because you don’t want them to feel sad. Sooner or later this relationship will turn toxic. You can support the person on their way but they should do their job ! Their job is to believe in their capabilities and to use them to provide for themselves and then for the person they plan to marry!

When you marry there is no space for crying and asking for more time but if you need it let the person go, don’t trap them because maybe you will never feel like “the right opportunity “ ever comes. Should I die unfulfilled because of your insecurities? Even if I ever become a cripple, I will cry but once I am done I will stand up with my spirit and fight for my happiness like never before !

Thank you for reading ! God Bless you all !