Killin that PMS Bi-atch!

Good Wednesday afternoon!

Day began with tears, just like it ended up the night before. My worries are not as scary in reality as they are in my head. Having PMS since the day I’ve started being sexually active has been tough. I’ve never taken any medication nor any procaution. I simply did not know what PMS is until after my kids were born. Even knowing I still did not go to doctor. I thought I could manage by myself but the issue is getting worse and worse for every freakin period I get.

Having more and more feelings for my long distance marriage partner is not of a big help either and the distance causes me a lot of emotional turmoil during the days I am pretty low. Just imagine your libido was at the peak the night before and when you wake up all confidence and happiness turns into moodiness or depression. I think I’ve cried 2 liters of tears since last night. And although I’ve tried to change the mood by working out, cooking, baking… I still feel like I am sitting on a bomb.

I honestly cannot wait to see Ahad again. Although things are not so easy I think I will need to break my rules sooner or later, maybe January? Not sure, everything depends on state of my wallet. Nevertheless, I will do my best. But first of all the PMS Bi-atch… I’ve got to get rid of her.

I’m actually thinking of visiting a doctor soon. I feel like my anxiety is getting out of controll these days. My current solution – eating what I like, is not going to work in the future. Exercise does not give the right amount of healing that I need. Peace could fix the issue for a moment or two but there is no way with two active children at home…only hope – my next period in 14 days. At times like this I really miss being preggo… When other women cry, I feel the calmest.

Killin that PMS Bi-atch…. will I ever succeed?

Feeling reborn & international cooking

Good morning! Today is beautiful. And to be honest yesterday was beautiful as well 😂 … And the days to come will be beautiful too. Why? Because I wake up every morning in two strong arms and then I look into those gentle eyes and I cannot get enough 🥰. This time it’s different. I do not feel guilt or worry. I found myself enjoying every bit of it.

Two days ago we were making tandoori chicken and I made some other variety of chicken too. I felt so happy seeing everyone enjoying the food I made.

Then yesterday I took charge of the kitchen once more and made three dishes. I made a chicken wok in teriyaki sauce, potato cakes ( placki ziemniaczane) that is very famous in Poland and momos which I’ve learned making from my 1st husband.

I’ve actually got some help from my current hubby as well and I need to acknowledge that the evening invited a lot of flashbacks. I see a young man that is happy to be a part of this thing called long distance relationship as long as it’s with me but on the same time I cannot stop but wonder if things will stay the same or will they change flavour after I’m all in. I’m actually starting to feel more and more. I still feel blocked but I do feel … love. It’s different this time. Because it’s truly just love.

And although perfect is what people usually want I feel happy with the way things are. My hubby is getting more handsome each day. But he also has this damn long sleep habit like my ex 😅 so I guess not many things change , only the perspective of things I suppose. Maybe because I’m 28 and not 18. Nevertheless, love at 28 feels alive and I do feel reborn. I cannot wait until he wakes up 😂 so I can finally get my cuddles.

Don’t take your time with your loved ones for granted even when your schedule is busy. And I will keep you updated. See you !

When the sun is peeking at me outside of the window

Hello! What a beautiful Saturday we have in Stockholm. It’s 5th February and there is actually no snow outside. Winters has been short the last 4 years. Even though the world has stopped for days, months or years in many places on our planet.

And here I am enjoying a cup of coffee with milk and sugar. It’s been a while since I really could enjoy some coffee in my own company. Maybe that’s why the sun is shining, so that I could enjoy this day to the fullest, even though there are many things for me to take care of. I feel calm and ready to dig deep into the space of science and knowledge.

I do not feel anxious anymore as I felt few days ago although I still could feel at times, why try when your work will not be appreciated anyways. But I still have a slice of hope that it will not be all that bad and that I will finally reach somewhere.

In a few days is my 2nd sons birthday. When I look back those three years, I’ve grown so much, yet not many people can actually see it. Maybe that’s why I feel so happy that at least the weather is nice when I try to finish what I’ve started. I really want to move forward but I do feel like my wings are cut whenever I try to fly. Being married to Ahad I feel good, very good actually but the distance is killin… both of us actually. That’s why I want to work even harder, so maybe one day our marriage will be shining brightly like a sun.

I thought a lot about the future I want. In my imagination there is still a lot of discovery, travel, delicious food from the all corners of the world, my kids enjoying their childhood and my man being by my side and sharing those moments with me. But I’ve learned that dreams are only permanent on paper. In reality everything changes and what made you once drawn to each other, makes you feel tired. I guess even eating the same food over and over again, makes one sick so … no wonders. Yet, I still want to work hard. My kids need me to be strong, they depend on me, no matter what my condition may be, they look up to me.

And so I am actually ready for another cup of coffee with milk and sugar. Digging deeper is quite a time consuming process. But at least I will not be poor on knowledge although it cannot sustain my thirst.

Have a nice weekend !