If you could look into my heart

Here I am again. In this never ending darkness. And there is no hope even if my heart is filled with dreams. I am feeling lost in my own pain. There is no light to my life that has not ended before it really started. I am drowning in my own naivity, because I trusted again and again. But none of them sees the endless bleeding inside of my heart. They think I am cold. I disagree with every assumption directed at me. Because none of them knows who I am, no one cares to ask or even listen. I’ve been left alone with a huge suitcase on the cold ice. The suitcase is heavy, filled with promises which they’ve never fulfilled. You may ask me who exactly. Those idiots that promised me the stars when they were not even able to become a moon. Transparent. But even those who selfishly brought me into this world. So called parents. Their baby is drowning, barely catching air to breath. Yet, there is no sight of them.

You foolish girl. They trapped you here. What are you expecting“, says the girl that had stolen my reflection.

Understanding, remorse“, I answered.

Don’t be ridiculous. This is not going to happen when you always let them step on you.“, says the other me.

No. I will not allow for this. I promised myself, I promise you. I will stop this agony. I will be happy.“, I answered while the other me disappeared with a smirk, the last I saw.

I opened my eyes in the middle of the night. It was just a nightmare. None exisiting yet feels so real. My heart is still racing. I can feel it up to my throat. I got up and headed towards the kitchen. There was a feeling of thirst but on the same time I felt so empty. I took a glass of water and went back to my room but I couldn’t just head back to sleep. I opened a window and tried to feel the wind. It was raining and somehow I felt nostalgic whenever that happened. I would remember the good times and the bad ones. And evaluate my life. But I always came to the dark spot. I was not happy with how things have been so far. I wanted a change but did not know how. I really needed to figure it out soon though because I did not like myself being drown by this negative thinking while others were smiling and acting like nothing bad has ever happened to them. I knew I had so much to give but without stability, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

I headed to my wardrobe and reached for outerwear. I wore my raincoat and a pair of rubber boots. I’ve decided to face the world, despite the rain. I opened the door and took few steps outside. I looked at the sky letting the rain wash my face. I breathed in the fresh air, the scent of grass and the trees and I felt alive again despite being drenched. I’ve decided to take a stroll in the park around my apartment. It felt refreshing. I sat myself on a bench and looked over the horizon. I imagined myself years after. I wished to be like the protagonist in a drama series, always falling back just to get up and becoming stronger each time. I wanted this dream of mine to become my truth and so I left the bench and with my hands touching at my face length I screamed into the open before making my return to home.

I’m not a loser.

One day, I will be there where no one can hurt me.

One day, I will not need to worry about money or if people like me or not.”

One day, I will become independent, happy and recognized.”

The next day I woke up with a new spirit, with a drive to make the changes. I hoped so badly to become my better self. Despite all people looking down on me. Pitying me. Critizing me. I could still remember the love I had for them and how they let me down time after time. I could remember how much their recognition for my efforts was important for me to be happy but not anymore. It used to break my heart to not be enough. Now it does not matter. I want to be a selfmade woman. A woman that does not live by chance but a choice. A woman that makes changes not excuses. A woman that can stand for herself and not be manipulated by others. A woman that can be useful and not used by others and one that can excel without a feeling of competition. Someone that chooses self-esteem over self-pity and listens to the beat of her own heart rather than the opinions of others. I want to be that woman. And I will be her.

I took a pen and a piece of paper writing my new principles of life and so I’ve decided to take a change at a time. First I took care of my mental health. There is a saying that you become what you eat and I pretty much agree. I’ve eaten too much bullshit over the years. It’s enough. I’ve decided to wake up early in the morning, wear my joggers and do few laps in the neighbourhood to cleanse myself from all the worries, pain and disappointments. I felt there would not be anything more refreshing than to merge with the nature.While taking a stroll outside I would think about my past. Sometimes my eyes would tear up and I would still feel how my heart is aching but the more I was coming out from the denial I felt better.

After going through a rough path day after day, finally I looked at the reflection in the mirror and I did not feel so small and weak anymore. With that I felt it was time for another step. It was time to get to know myself. Living under other peoples shadow deprieved me from my own preferences. I did not know what I liked and disliked, what I found okay and what according to me would be unacceptable. I looked at the reflection of my eyes in the mirror once more and knew where I should be starting. My hobbies. I’ve started drawing, sculpting and writing poems and something awakened in me. Hunger. I wanted more, more challenges, more going out from my comfort zone. I’ve started dancing and singing. I published the videos online and I could not believe it, people loved it, they loved me being the expressive me. Except one person.

What are you doing? Do you think anyone is interested in you shaking your ass? You act so cheap!, commented that so called mother.

My heart started to beat faster and I felt how the room started to spin. The pain in my heart was so intense I did not notice the fountain like tears flowing down my cheeks. I turned off my phone and looked inside my eyes once more. I saw that little girl hidden in the darkness crying. She wanted outside. I could hear her screaming: “Mommy does not love me!“, and it squeezed my heart even more because this was not a dream. I was that little girl. I closed my eyes, taking few sips of air and massaged the chest area. Although I still felt like I suffered of indigestion I managed to gather myself again. I wiped my tears, made myself a cup of tea and decided to prepare for another dance video. This time I took extra care of myself. I put on make up and dyed my hair. I ordered some new clothes and put nailpolish on my nails while sipping my favourite fruitcoctail with banana and strawberries.

I somehow ended up dozzing of dreaming of a young man but I could not see his face. Nevertheless, I felt his touch. The touch of his palm was warm and made me feel like I belonged with him. He grabbed my hand and showed me the way to an old building. He encouraged me to sit down. I followed his lead. He sat down next to me, made me to lean my head against his chest and embraced me touching my shoulder with one of his hand. I felt hot and felt how slowly my pale cheeks changed color. Soon after he used his other hand to point at the sky. I looked upwards. My eyes being fixated at the sea of stars I spoke ” Wow.. so beautiful !“. In that instant I felt a pair of eyes at me. ” Indeed. Beautiful.”, said the handsome stranger. I looked at him, his eyes were still fixated at me. I felt how he was moving closer. I tried to wipe my eyes just to see him getting more close. My heart started beating faster. And I did not know what to do other than to stay put and wait for his move. I closed my eyes getting ready to prepare for what seemed unevitable. Then he faded away with the sound of my alarm clock “Zzzzrrr…“.

I opened my eyes, sat on the edge of my bed with one hand on my stomach. “Shit! That was a close one. And it felt so real!“, I burst out while trying to calm down the butterflies inside of my stomach. “Agni, this was just a dream. Let’s calm down!“, I said while circulating inside of the bedroom. I run to the bathroom just to see my cheeks still being hot red. I looked at myself again and again. “Why do I feel so shy? There is nothing wrong in falling in love with handsome strangers in your dreams, right?“, I said awkwardly while a silent laughter left my mouth. I started removing the make-up, took a shower, brushed my teeth and got ready for sleep. But once I layed down on the bed, I just kept changing sides. At that moment I felt some fresh air would be a good option.

I dressed up and and went to my favourite spot where I have not been to since few weeks. Once I reached there the spot was occupied by a young man. I was about to give up and return back home, then a thought stroke my mind. I was not the weak and isolated person anymore. I came up to the man and asked “Is this bench occupied ?”. The man looked at me. “Yes, but I don’t mind sharing.” , answered the man with a bright smile. In that moment I felt a wind of familiarity. Deja vu. I sat down and decided to introduce myself to the stranger that seemed to appreciate the small things in life like me.”My name is Agni. Nice to meet you, Mr. ?“. The stranger looked at me but instead of telling me his name he pointed at the walking path in the park. “Would you mind taking a stroll with me in the park Ms.Agni?”, asked the handsome stranger. I hesitated for a bit but my lips uttered a “Yes“.

Ladies first.“, he said thus I answered “What a gentleman. And I that thought chevalierity died together with dinosaurs.

A grin formed on his face. “And I am glad there are still women that are impressed by a simple gesture.”, said the handsome stranger with an intense look in his hazel eyes.

We talked and laught without any silent moments, completely ignoring the fact that three hours passed since we met at the bench. It was time for me to head home. The wind was chill and I felt cold and hungry.

Oh…Shit! Look at the time. We really took our time“, I burst out with a sweet smile.

Yes. And I feel your beauty and intellect are to blame. I really dig you, Agni.”.

A flow of fire filled my body making me to look down on to the ground. My hair covering my eyes I said to the handsome stranger “Mmm… I’m headed this way. It was nice talking to you.“. I was facing the route to my home, when he grabbed my hand and said “No, the pleasure is all mine Agni. Ahad….that is mine name.“.

I looked at him and said: ” Oh, that sound nice. What does it mean? Agni means fire by the way.”.

Ahad means one.“, he answered with an alluring smile.

I laughted. “One fire then the two of us. ” He laughted back and said : “So it seems.

I looked at him and in a friendly manner and asked: “Friends?

Not until you accept my invitation for coffee.” answered the handsome, not anymore nameless man.

The invitation is accepted, Mr. Ahad. This way , please.” , I said excited by this unusual event.

We sat down inside the coffee shop in front of my apartment and talked until the coffee shop closed for the day. I felt so happy after a long time. In that moment while hugging my new friend as our goodbye approached a thought passed my mind : “If you only could look into my heart…”



Between heaven and earth ☁️

We just met not so long ago but our meeting felt like the reunion of two souls lingering for each other for years. You stood next to a big touch screen on the side of McDonalds, wearing a tight white shirt which exposed your well shaped arms and back. I just gazed at the back profile of yours once and knew it was you that I was searching for at the airport. It felt like a pair of divine arms pushed me into your embrace and finally I reached my peaceful home that I was searching for all those years. It was our first meeting face to face. I did not feel nervous. I felt enormous joy and excitement. Because finally, I met you.

Every part of my body reacted to the alluring aura your posture exposed.
You were acting emotionless when my embrace left yours but I could see through your mask. I knew that you were nervous that day and excited. What you felt that moment, it
was such a long time since you last did.

You left me to buy the tickets. When you did come back we were ready to head towards the train station that would bring us to your palace. Your body was just inches away and I could feel the electrifying touch of your skin on mine. Your otherwise sun coloured skin was pale as if you did not have a good night sleep. It felt as if the moon was reflecting sun’s light on your
face. And I really could see it. You being a prince, a very charming one.

We entered the train. We sat down. I told you to close your eyes. I never met such a gorgeous man like you
before. My heart skipped a bit and thoughts of being in your arms at night the very same day sent electric shocks down my spine, left a mark on my undies and a red blush on my
cheeks. My mind was filled with fantasies. I wanted it all with you. I felt the excitement and curiosity, about what will this journey serve me. Joy, sadness, confusion, friendship or a true romcom like friends turning lovers. Only God knows, that freaking old man that has been playing with my heart since the day I decided to end my life. I felt the spring hundreds of times before meeting you, my charming
prince but all of it was an illusion that ended up in disappointments. It’s all because God gave me a mission
impossible as repentment for my deadly sin. It dropped me signs
now and then, just to find you. I used to hear voices in my head telling me that when two souls on the same level unite, you get the feeling you float beneath earth. As if your souls do a dance together. Before I met you I felt it only once so I thought, with the man whom I let take it all, my mind, heart, soul and virginity. I wanted so badly for our connection to be more than just a sex indulgence but it did not work out.

When one soul is more developed than the other it’s like watching the Gollum from the Lord of Rings movie. You only hear “ You are mine, mine”, then you rebel, plates are breaking, chairs are thrown in the walls and you and your conterpart switch from fucking each other one night like bunnies to slapping each other the next one. When fire plays with fire, I should have not been surprised that it will turn into hell. Sure, aggression can be fun but only when two parts agree together on the terms. I did not agree and would not agree in the future either. That’s how it all started.
The mission impossible to find you. This time I was going to be cautious. Because when we entered your apartment I was still feeling that what I experienced at that moment was a dream.

Dreams make me uncomfortable because you never know when it all will turn into a nightmare. And I was not ready for another one, not yet. Not until I got to know your willpower and what you were about. This would be my exam as well. Because the one month we knew each other was fabulous, I began seeing the world colorful again and wanted to be a woman like never before. To be precise, your woman. But all people have some kind of skeletons hidden in the closet and mine, I did not want them to come out.

This time I wanted to take it slow, I wanted to feel you inside and out, with every of my senses before giving myself to you. Being highly sensual and looking like a sweet girl was always a problem. Men feel easily attracted to me, too easily and for the wrong reasons. And to avoid sad events from happening you need to wear a facade on your face. You are required too.

But the more I felt for you, the more difficult it would be. I knew it. And after taking a long walk through Vienna alongside Danube river with you at night I thought I was ready to be vulnerable again. I felt the magic and all this romanticism that floated in the air. Music and dance, fresh air, water and us walking side by side. Later at night while embracing I could sense you also felt it. Your heartbeat was playing the most beautiful orchestra sounds. And I looked at your face and those alluring lips you had. They were asking mine to come closer, to inspect them and feel them.That your fingertips caressed the skin of the upper part of my arm did not make me feel less excited. Every circle your fingertips completed on my arm left my underwear in an unrecognizable state. My breathing became heavier and if not for the darkness in the room, you could easily see my cheeks getting a red tomato shade. I held in my breath and told myself that I can do that, I will not end up losing to the fire that ignited inside my body.

I kept cursing the situation I was in because I was going to come back as a winner from this journey but I wanted so badly to indulge in you. I wanted to know the taste of your lips, your touch caressing the rest of my body and even though we did not know each other in real life for more than a mere month and a half, my lips kept whispering a silent I love you, when looking at your handsome sleeping face. I wished time could stop and I could replay the moment I woke up beside you in the morning.

Looking at your face and being able to tell you a good morning with a smile, where you in return would grasp my hand and give it a peck while looking into my mesmerized eyes. It became my wish that I planned to ask God for. To make you stay longer in my life. Even a day longer would feel like a blessing. Because what you made me feel, that igniting fire I knew that this time I could take control of it and use it as a drive to make my life worthwhile, to work hard, to take charge of my life and to once again look myself into the eyes and be proud of who I had become. But it all had to wait. We still had some time together.

I planned for this since the moment you told me that if I met you I would say I never met a nice person like you before. I saw my chance there and my heart kept racing again and again making me flush and a grim formed on my face. Indeed. I never did but I dreamed about it many times before and to finally get a chance to meet a person that feels so right for you, with beautiful family, dreams, fighting spirit, it felt so surreal.

Knowing your prorities in life and seeing the proof of how you care for people I wanted these moments even
if it was the last thing we do together be memorable. Because every good person should be paid back with kindness. Only love can create more love. The moon, sun and venus in taurus at the day of your birth gave me all answers I needed. So I
decided we would go to zoo and Schönbrunn Palace. Because I wanted us to be in beautiful places where we both could find something for ourselves.

We took few photos together. It felt so different than what I expected but I could understand. I saw you as a person, a sunray that I could do both friendship and romance with, you saw me as an opposite sex. I told you to relax. I just wanted to help you. All I ever wanted was seeing you happy. Because seeing people I care about being happy is making me assured that what I do is right. And after a while I saw you relax. Our visit became more fun. Your curiosity
ensured me that if our bond would ever grow, if we ever got a chance to meet again I would never be bored. It was afternoon, the sun was really strong. You were worried your
arms will catch on more color again. I giggle in my mind because no matter what you said about yourself in my heart you were all great and so cute.

We spent few magical hours
together at the lands of Schönbrunn palace. We climbed all the way up to the Gloriette where we sat on the bench. I standed up to have a close look at the magnificant view of the city Vienna, you held your phone, taking a shoot and mumbling
” So beautiful”
I looked at you, you slide your phone in the pocket and when asking you what you have said, your response was
” Nothing”.
Not knowing the reason I felt nervous, then you said it’s time
to head back. On the way down you told me you used to race
with your friends down the hill and the loser was responsible
for cooking. I felt so happy hearing your stories, it felt like
being a part of your life.

When we arrived at your apartment,
I took a light shower while you started preparing dinner. It was
still not so dark outside but the day was full of walking . The dinner was set. The best biryani I ever had. And I had it quite a lot in the past. Every bite warm my heart and if not for
that my stomach still was jetlagged I would have indulged in it some more. The lights were off, you played a movie. And even though I cuddle with you the day before I felt so nervous
because of what you made me feel. And your eyes being closed while you were still awake made me feel more shy than I ever had been in my life. You were just so beautiful inside
and out. Trying to make me feel safe with you and keep your feelings in controll. Just to not do something that may have hurt me.

It was our last night together after all. Rain and thunder could be heard outside the window. There is no more
romantic opportunity than this to make love with the person that you adore. And my heart started beating faster because you said you wanted to try something. That something surprised me because I never expected you on top of me, moreover more surprising was your withdrawal. As if an angel whispered into your ear to treasure me, that I am not like the girls from your past. You got off my body not knowing
that if my situation was different I would lit the room on fire by changing our position, me up you down , sliding kisses from your forehead, nose, lips, chin ,neck. Further and further down, while making sure that you enjoy every part of it. Even though the outcome was different you did not make me feel
disappointed. You embraced me, opened your phone and introduced your brothers, sisters and their spouses with kids to me. I never felt closer to you than that time. It was a true bliss.

The connection felt so unrealistic I had to pinch myself a few times. But yes it hurt and yes, indeed you were the most gorgeous man with a great personality that I ever got to meet and I was there with you. In your embrace , my ear was listening to the sounds of your heart. It made me so calm, relaxed and I did not notice how I fell asleep but I really wished something would happen, maybe a flight cancelled or why not the airport closed. I just found my home in you and soldiers like me need a home like you to find solitude after the storms are over.

The morning came, I woke up earlier than you again. I looked at your sleeping face for the last time and
a tear formed in the corner of my eye but I would not cry. I couldn’t. I was not planning on leaving your side forever. I felt I would return one beautiful day. And I hoped you would
receive me with all you got. You walked me to the gate.I embraced you, told you I had fun and were about to pass the gate when something told me to turn around. You were still standing there. So unlike the ending I had in my past. I was touched. I couldn’t tell you that I love you even though I wanted so badly. I ran back up to you , embraced you once more and told you I liked you. You asked me how much , in
which my response were : ” To the moon and back”. Then you question my feelings by saying ” Oh really? ”. My answer was
” Yes”.

I was about to leave your embrace and there was a millisecond where our eyes met and once more I felt the pull , a blood rush, speedy heartbeat and your lips whispering silently to come closer. This feeling felt as powerful as a tsunami, I couldn’t handle it. I was going to go back as a
winner. I had to. And so I left your arms, said my goodbyes once more and left your sight while still thinking about you and daydreaming about our future to come if you ever popped
the question.