Here I am again. In this never ending darkness. And there is no hope even if my heart is filled with dreams. I am feeling lost in my own pain. There is no light to my life that has not ended before it really started. I am drowning in my own naivity, because I trusted again and again. But none of them sees the endless bleeding inside of my heart. They think I am cold. I disagree with every assumption directed at me. Because none of them knows who I am, no one cares to ask or even listen. I’ve been left alone with a huge suitcase on the cold ice. The suitcase is heavy, filled with promises which they’ve never fulfilled. You may ask me who exactly. Those idiots that promised me the stars when they were not even able to become a moon. Transparent. But even those who selfishly brought me into this world. So called parents. Their baby is drowning, barely catching air to breath. Yet, there is no sight of them.
“You foolish girl. They trapped you here. What are you expecting“, says the girl that had stolen my reflection.
“Understanding, remorse“, I answered.
“Don’t be ridiculous. This is not going to happen when you always let them step on you.“, says the other me.
“No. I will not allow for this. I promised myself, I promise you. I will stop this agony. I will be happy.“, I answered while the other me disappeared with a smirk, the last I saw.
I opened my eyes in the middle of the night. It was just a nightmare. None exisiting yet feels so real. My heart is still racing. I can feel it up to my throat. I got up and headed towards the kitchen. There was a feeling of thirst but on the same time I felt so empty. I took a glass of water and went back to my room but I couldn’t just head back to sleep. I opened a window and tried to feel the wind. It was raining and somehow I felt nostalgic whenever that happened. I would remember the good times and the bad ones. And evaluate my life. But I always came to the dark spot. I was not happy with how things have been so far. I wanted a change but did not know how. I really needed to figure it out soon though because I did not like myself being drown by this negative thinking while others were smiling and acting like nothing bad has ever happened to them. I knew I had so much to give but without stability, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
I headed to my wardrobe and reached for outerwear. I wore my raincoat and a pair of rubber boots. I’ve decided to face the world, despite the rain. I opened the door and took few steps outside. I looked at the sky letting the rain wash my face. I breathed in the fresh air, the scent of grass and the trees and I felt alive again despite being drenched. I’ve decided to take a stroll in the park around my apartment. It felt refreshing. I sat myself on a bench and looked over the horizon. I imagined myself years after. I wished to be like the protagonist in a drama series, always falling back just to get up and becoming stronger each time. I wanted this dream of mine to become my truth and so I left the bench and with my hands touching at my face length I screamed into the open before making my return to home.
“ I’m not a loser. “
“ One day, I will be there where no one can hurt me.“
” One day, I will not need to worry about money or if people like me or not.”
” One day, I will become independent, happy and recognized.”
The next day I woke up with a new spirit, with a drive to make the changes. I hoped so badly to become my better self. Despite all people looking down on me. Pitying me. Critizing me. I could still remember the love I had for them and how they let me down time after time. I could remember how much their recognition for my efforts was important for me to be happy but not anymore. It used to break my heart to not be enough. Now it does not matter. I want to be a selfmade woman. A woman that does not live by chance but a choice. A woman that makes changes not excuses. A woman that can stand for herself and not be manipulated by others. A woman that can be useful and not used by others and one that can excel without a feeling of competition. Someone that chooses self-esteem over self-pity and listens to the beat of her own heart rather than the opinions of others. I want to be that woman. And I will be her.
I took a pen and a piece of paper writing my new principles of life and so I’ve decided to take a change at a time. First I took care of my mental health. There is a saying that you become what you eat and I pretty much agree. I’ve eaten too much bullshit over the years. It’s enough. I’ve decided to wake up early in the morning, wear my joggers and do few laps in the neighbourhood to cleanse myself from all the worries, pain and disappointments. I felt there would not be anything more refreshing than to merge with the nature.While taking a stroll outside I would think about my past. Sometimes my eyes would tear up and I would still feel how my heart is aching but the more I was coming out from the denial I felt better.
After going through a rough path day after day, finally I looked at the reflection in the mirror and I did not feel so small and weak anymore. With that I felt it was time for another step. It was time to get to know myself. Living under other peoples shadow deprieved me from my own preferences. I did not know what I liked and disliked, what I found okay and what according to me would be unacceptable. I looked at the reflection of my eyes in the mirror once more and knew where I should be starting. My hobbies. I’ve started drawing, sculpting and writing poems and something awakened in me. Hunger. I wanted more, more challenges, more going out from my comfort zone. I’ve started dancing and singing. I published the videos online and I could not believe it, people loved it, they loved me being the expressive me. Except one person.
“What are you doing? Do you think anyone is interested in you shaking your ass? You act so cheap!“, commented that so called mother.
My heart started to beat faster and I felt how the room started to spin. The pain in my heart was so intense I did not notice the fountain like tears flowing down my cheeks. I turned off my phone and looked inside my eyes once more. I saw that little girl hidden in the darkness crying. She wanted outside. I could hear her screaming: “Mommy does not love me!“, and it squeezed my heart even more because this was not a dream. I was that little girl. I closed my eyes, taking few sips of air and massaged the chest area. Although I still felt like I suffered of indigestion I managed to gather myself again. I wiped my tears, made myself a cup of tea and decided to prepare for another dance video. This time I took extra care of myself. I put on make up and dyed my hair. I ordered some new clothes and put nailpolish on my nails while sipping my favourite fruitcoctail with banana and strawberries.
I somehow ended up dozzing of dreaming of a young man but I could not see his face. Nevertheless, I felt his touch. The touch of his palm was warm and made me feel like I belonged with him. He grabbed my hand and showed me the way to an old building. He encouraged me to sit down. I followed his lead. He sat down next to me, made me to lean my head against his chest and embraced me touching my shoulder with one of his hand. I felt hot and felt how slowly my pale cheeks changed color. Soon after he used his other hand to point at the sky. I looked upwards. My eyes being fixated at the sea of stars I spoke ” Wow.. so beautiful !“. In that instant I felt a pair of eyes at me. ” Indeed. Beautiful.”, said the handsome stranger. I looked at him, his eyes were still fixated at me. I felt how he was moving closer. I tried to wipe my eyes just to see him getting more close. My heart started beating faster. And I did not know what to do other than to stay put and wait for his move. I closed my eyes getting ready to prepare for what seemed unevitable. Then he faded away with the sound of my alarm clock “Zzzzrrr…“.
I opened my eyes, sat on the edge of my bed with one hand on my stomach. “Shit! That was a close one. And it felt so real!“, I burst out while trying to calm down the butterflies inside of my stomach. “Agni, this was just a dream. Let’s calm down!“, I said while circulating inside of the bedroom. I run to the bathroom just to see my cheeks still being hot red. I looked at myself again and again. “Why do I feel so shy? There is nothing wrong in falling in love with handsome strangers in your dreams, right?“, I said awkwardly while a silent laughter left my mouth. I started removing the make-up, took a shower, brushed my teeth and got ready for sleep. But once I layed down on the bed, I just kept changing sides. At that moment I felt some fresh air would be a good option.
I dressed up and and went to my favourite spot where I have not been to since few weeks. Once I reached there the spot was occupied by a young man. I was about to give up and return back home, then a thought stroke my mind. I was not the weak and isolated person anymore. I came up to the man and asked “Is this bench occupied ?”. The man looked at me. “Yes, but I don’t mind sharing.” , answered the man with a bright smile. In that moment I felt a wind of familiarity. Deja vu. I sat down and decided to introduce myself to the stranger that seemed to appreciate the small things in life like me.”My name is Agni. Nice to meet you, Mr. ?“. The stranger looked at me but instead of telling me his name he pointed at the walking path in the park. “Would you mind taking a stroll with me in the park Ms.Agni?”, asked the handsome stranger. I hesitated for a bit but my lips uttered a “Yes“.
“Ladies first.“, he said thus I answered “What a gentleman. And I that thought chevalierity died together with dinosaurs.”
A grin formed on his face. “And I am glad there are still women that are impressed by a simple gesture.”, said the handsome stranger with an intense look in his hazel eyes.
We talked and laught without any silent moments, completely ignoring the fact that three hours passed since we met at the bench. It was time for me to head home. The wind was chill and I felt cold and hungry.
“Oh…Shit! Look at the time. We really took our time“, I burst out with a sweet smile.
“Yes. And I feel your beauty and intellect are to blame. I really dig you, Agni.”.
A flow of fire filled my body making me to look down on to the ground. My hair covering my eyes I said to the handsome stranger “Mmm… I’m headed this way. It was nice talking to you.“. I was facing the route to my home, when he grabbed my hand and said “No, the pleasure is all mine Agni. Ahad….that is mine name.“.
I looked at him and said: ” Oh, that sound nice. What does it mean? Agni means fire by the way.”.
“Ahad means one.“, he answered with an alluring smile.
I laughted. “One fire then the two of us. ” He laughted back and said : “So it seems.“
I looked at him and in a friendly manner and asked: “Friends?“
“Not until you accept my invitation for coffee.” answered the handsome, not anymore nameless man.
“The invitation is accepted, Mr. Ahad. This way , please.” , I said excited by this unusual event.
We sat down inside the coffee shop in front of my apartment and talked until the coffee shop closed for the day. I felt so happy after a long time. In that moment while hugging my new friend as our goodbye approached a thought passed my mind : “If you only could look into my heart…”